


The Deaths and Life of Kowashi Suzuki

by Foodmoon



Series: Oddball fics [22]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Abused mute Yoji Aburame, Canon Typical Violence, Canon will probably derail like a train wreck, Communication Issues, Deaf Akamichi OC, Gen, Kowashi is getting tired of dying, Kowashi is sick of being mute, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2019-10-19 12:25:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17601332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foodmoon/pseuds/Foodmoon
Summary: Ethan dies, a nameless Root member dies, Kowashi lives.





	1. Ethan, nameless, Kowashi

**Author's Note:**

> I really kind of just want to call this story "My Muse is a Bitch" because honestly, I have no idea where this is going and it's the fifth fanfic doc I have open for writing on and that's about four too many. Arrgh.

_Fate is a cruel bitch. Anyone who thinks differently is either delusional or naïve. Or bastard, if one prefers. Whichever gender one associates with being more whimsy and vicious. Quite honestly, it doesn’t matter, and getting hung up on it will just make Fate laugh and laugh.~ Bitter reflections, entry #405._

_Ethan Botecker, age 35…_

He is dead, a burst blood vessel in the brain, a massive headache that never gets better, asleep and then he is gone. And then he isn’t.

~

_Nameless Root member, age uncertain…_

He is dead, and then he is alive. Relatively, that is. Another soul now inhabits his body, very confused at the dual memories, the knowledge of two deaths. And the fact that he is alive. Yes, he. _(He had to check that, because this body has so little sense of self that he could not be certain without checking.)_

“…?”

Again, he is confused, because this body has memories of being able to speak and there’s no reason for that to change. Of course, there’s no real reason for him to be in this body either, or to be alive, so… Apparently he’s mute now. It doesn’t seem to be from the injuries that temporarily killed this body, either. And he’s uncertain whether it can be counted as a blessing or curse in this instance. On the one hand, he’s unable to give himself away by a different way of speaking now, but on the other, it’s impossible to explain and he has very little in the way of communication at his disposal.

This body knows a bit of writing, enough reading to ascertain target information and read scrolls, if barely, and a few Root handsigns that they all have to know. There is very little this body truly knows beyond orders, the so-called infallibility of Shimura-sama, and killing techniques. It is a problem.

He has a passing familiarity with the manga Naruto. As in he once read through to giant snakes showing up during some exam, had to wait for chapters, and wasn’t interested enough to ever come back and read more. This body has no real clues as to where in the timeline he happens to be, just the knowledge that all he does is for the glory of Konoha. Which really? Total bullshit, just going off the memories of orders that this body has received in the past. He may not have a clue as to Shimura’s role in the series, but he knows a megalomaniac when he sees one. If Shimura’s not a ‘hidden villain’, he’ll be shocked.

But first things first. A name. ‘Ethan’ won’t work in this world, and he refuses to keep referring to his current incarnation as ‘this body’. So he’ll be… What? _Oh._ This body only has passing familiarity with name meanings, but does know _one_ that has a similar meaning to ‘Ethan’. _Kowashi._

Kowashi gets up and looks around, seeing that all his fellow Root members on this mission are obviously as dead as he had been a few moments ago. Part of him wants to cry and rage and throw up, try to bring obvious corpses back to life, because death is anathema to all he was raised with. Another part is unmoved entirely by the sight. He swallows hard and decides to go with the more practical reaction. _No witnesses_. That’s a good thing for him, alien as he is to this world. However, _no evidence_ is a bit trickier. Either he can assume the nameless one’s place in Root and hope he goes undiscovered, or he can disappear. If he does the former, he’ll have to murder at the whim of a creepy old guy. If he does the latter…well, he needs a convincing corpse to leave in his place for the cleanup team to dispose of.

Fortunately, this isn’t a difficult thing. The nameless one had picked up a corpse that looks remarkably similar to him a few months ago out of some niggling curiosity that shouldn’t have been, and has carted the corpse scroll with it around with him ever since. It lacks a tattoo and a few identifiable scars, but the nameless one knew a genjutsu to mimic the tongue tattoo, and that there’s no reason for a cleanup team to do an in-depth examination of the corpse to find other telltales. The cleanup team won’t know the cause of death, particularly if there’s several days for decomposition to set in, so mimicking cause of death isn’t needed, as long as he can match it to the evidence around him. Which is creepily easy. For reasons he really, really doesn’t want to think about. _Ever._

~

Kowashi knows he needs to know more in order to survive, so he finds a deserted place far from the corpses, and considers his options. The nameless one knew little, but there are a few things he knew that are useful.

Fact 1: Orochimaru is a traitor, condemned by the village.  
Fact 2: Shimura dislikes the Uchiha and does all he can to discredit them. Which means that the Clan is still alive. Although Kowashi knows this is important, he is uncertain as to why, since all he knows is that the sole survivor’s brother supposedly killed off his own clan.  
Fact 3: The Uchiha are known to have not engaged directly against the Kyuubi. That means the protagonist, Naruto, has been born and his parents are dead.  
Fact 4: Shimura keeps backup copies of his records, which he keeps obsessively. However, he never checks the backups to see if they have been disturbed or stolen.  
Fact 5: For a would-be mastermind, Shimura is entirely unimaginative. All his vault combinations are identical, so he can always open them without having to stop and remember which one to use. The nameless one was disposable, but he was also one of the few who knew the combination.  
Fact 6: Shimura believes the Hokage is weak, but he also claims that the Hokage approves of his less than legal operations. Therefore the Hokage is of questionable reliability in this matter. However, Shimura is wary of letting the Jounin Commander know anything, which speaks of a fear of the man discovering his activities.  
Fact 7: The nameless one came from the orphanage and Shimura has no interest in children who are already on the Academy rolls. The nameless one was still quite young, and looked rather younger yet. Thus the Academy is the perfect place for Kowashi to hide in plain sight until the Jounin Commander happens to notice him and demand an explanation, at which point he can turn over the pilfered documents. As a bonus, he can learn more about this world and how it works in the Academy.  
Fact 8: Kowashi doesn’t know anything of real use, therefore, trying to keep things the same is doomed to failure. Not least because he suspects that in the manga the nameless one was dead and not replaced by a very confused and mostly ignorant someone from another world.

In conclusion, he decides, pilfering the backup documents and blending into the Academy is his best choice. Also, he should probably quit dying his hair the dull color Root required if he wants to not be noticed immediately as a little Root escapee. Better safe than sorry, even if blue hair does stand out more than he’d like.

~

Sensei Daifuko frowns at the roster. For some reason he doesn’t remember this student or his name, which is strange. He flips back a couple pages and finds the attendance records are in order and shrugs it off. It must be because the student is so quiet.

“Suzuki, Kowashi.”

The blue haired boy just raises a hand in response.

“Kowashi, you should reply aloud. Please remember this for the future.”

To his mild surprise, the boy shakes his head, then points at his throat and awkwardly makes the sign for ‘quiet’. Has the boy been told to not speak up? Or is he too shy to speak up? Either way, he won’t have it. Rules are rules for a reason.

“Kowashi, regardless of your personal preference-”

“Sensei?”

Daifuko blinks at the interruption and looks at the Uchiha heir, the genius of the class. “Yes, Itachi?”

“Suzuki-san is mute. He can’t answer aloud. If you need, I could read any answers he writes aloud to you.”

 _Oh. For Kami’s sake, why put a cripple in his class?_ But he supposes it doesn’t matter, and the Uchiha genius has already volunteered to make him less of a liability for the class.

“I see. Alright. Please do that, Itachi. Ahem. Sano, Ikue.”

“Here, sensei!” His class’s worst female student responds cheerfully.

~

Kowashi is startled that the several years younger boy next to him has picked up on his muteness, but grateful for his explanation to the teacher. Having the Jounin Commander notice his presence is one thing. Having a teacher notice is a little less welcome. Fortunately he’s had the foresight to slip forged papers into the Academy records, so any casual search will simply show that the teachers have heretofore failed to remember his unremarkable presence in class. Well, as unremarkable as someone with blue hair and muteness can feasibly be, of course.

It takes a few days to find out that young Itachi is the Uchiha clan heir, and thus probably the person who will slaughter his own clan in a few years. Kowashi spends a few hours covertly staring at Itachi during school after learning this.

Itachi, oddly, interprets this as a request for help and starts explaining things that Kowashi has a bit of trouble with in a low voice during classes. Which is extremely useful.

Kowashi isn’t blind though. If Itachi’s the kind to snap and kill his own clan for no reason, then Kowashi is a monkey’s uncle. _No way, no how._ The kid hates conflict. There’s something wrong here, and he can hazard a guess at how that comes about. Shimura using his propaganda to make everyone regard the Uchiha as less than deserving rights, then using his power to push them into a corner where he can wipe them out. Pretty much like Hitler and the Holocaust.

 _Well, fuck that. Those who don’t learn from history, deserve to die from repeating history, and like hell Kowashi’s going to be that moron who lets the Holocaust repeat because of a delusional megalomaniac._ If the Jounin Commander doesn’t notice in the half year until graduation, then he’ll just have to keep Itachi on his side so he has an ‘in’ on what’s going on. If all else fails, he’ll just assassinate the old creep. The nameless part of him might see nothing wrong with Shimura’s methods, but the part of him who is Ethan knows better. Kowashi is more Ethan than not, really, and he _doesn’t fucking approve_ of Shimura’s nasty habit of turning kids into sub-human, disposable pawns and setting them against each other so that 50% of them die before they’re even useful. That’s as disgusting as the fucking Roman coliseum, and that’s saying a lot, given that the Romans fucking _booed_ if someone didn’t die fast enough.

~

Kowashi learns a lot over the next few months. His writing improves a bit, his reading skills double (although he’s still below class standard), the Academy katas leave him wrong footed and he deliberately misses the targets as often as not (on purpose). It doesn’t seem to matter. He can do upper math, and the three basics, so they graduate him. He’s not even the lowest scoring graduate. It’s pretty ridiculous, given what schools were like in his previous world. _This is the prestigious Academy? Yeah, right. Even his half-illiterate self can tell that the histories taught in class have gaps wide enough to lose a country in. Or possibly six countries. Cultural differences are brushed over so lightly that the other kids probably miss them altogether._ The most important thing he learns is Konoha standard ninja signs, and that’s all from Itachi.

Maybe it shouldn’t be surprising when he’s placed on Itachi’s team. After all, Itachi’s the only genin who can communicate with him well. Their jounin sensei is good, not that it’s a surprise given that Itachi is a known prodigy. Being a genin isn’t actually that hard, though surprising the amount of chores it comes with. At least they’re paid well for them. Kowashi can finally afford to rent a proper apartment instead of living in an abandoned building and paying to wash in the bathhouse twice a week and scrounging food in the forests. Although ‘proper’ is sort of like saying an old college dorm is the Ritz. _Yeah, no._ But legal, at least.

The C ranks come soon enough. They aren’t as easy, but Team 2 manages a perfect record. Even with that ninneko mission that _shall not be mentioned_ included in the mix. It earns them the honorary escort mission for the Fire Daimyo’s routine trip to Konoha. Kowashi would rather skip the honor, to be honest, but Itachi seems happy about it and Shinko, the third member of their team, is openly excited about it. Even their sensei is smug about it. Not that Kowashi gives a damn about their sensei’s opinion. The man is a little too petty about Itachi’s obvious talent to have any respect for him. If he wasn’t hiding his own skill level, he’s certain that he too would be getting the petty treatment. It’s obvious that Itachi has caught on to that, but he doesn’t call him out on it, for which Kowashi is duly grateful.

Naturally, the ‘easy’ escort mission is when everything goes to hell.

He has a moment to wonder _‘Why is an Uchiha attacking us?’_ and then he’s dying _again._ Honestly, it pisses him off. At least he made it past thirty the first time. Is this body cursed or something?

When he opens his eyes, he’s puzzled. Nothing really hurts and he’s alive, but probably the most puzzling thing is that he’s still Kowashi. If death isn’t going to stick. _And what even is that all about?_ If it’s not going to stick, he’d have expected to wake up in a different body after the last time. _Whatever._

He can hear Shinko’s stifled sobs and see Itachi’s rigid back. With a sigh he sits up and looks around. Impossible to survive wound barely a scratch now, check. Daimyo’s guards dead, check. Sensei dead, check. Daimyo alive and speaking with Itachi about something, check. Attacker nowhere in sight, check. _What a mess._

With a scowl, he gets up and walks over to tap Itachi on the shoulder.

Itachi jumps and whirls, weapon drawn, then stares at him wide-eyed. Both eyes have a spinning sharingan. _Ah, fuck. Doesn’t the sharingan come from seeing someone die? This kid is **so** traumatized. He’s definitely dragging him to a therapist as soon as they get back._

 _‘That sucked. Why did an Uchiha attack us?’_ He signs, annoyed at dying _again_. Not to mention that as the oldest he’s probably technically the leader now.

“Are you sure?” Itachi finally asks.

He nods. There’s no way someone _not_ related to Shisui moves like that, and he’s _sure_ he saw a glimpse of sharingan before he died. _Again._ Note to self: _That_ Uchiha is officially on his hit list.

“Sure of what?” A voice behind him asks, and it’s Kowashi’s turn to spin like a startled cat.

It takes him a moment, but he _recognizes_ the speaker. The jounin sensei of the protagonist. What was his name? All he remembers is that the guy has a sharingan under that hitai-ate and he can use lightning. _But jounin._ This means he no longer has to be in charge. _Fabulous!_

 _‘The attacker was an Uchiha. Male. Similar-’_ Well hell, if there’s a sign for ‘age’, he doesn’t know it. _‘Number.”_

“Same hair?” The jounin asks in confusion.

Frustrated, Kowashi turns so Itachi can see him signing as well and repeats himself.

“Ah, he says that the attacker was a similar age to you, Hatake-san.” Itachi interprets.

“That’s-”

Kowashi doesn’t hear what Hatake-san says, because Shinko has noticed that he’s alive and tackles him sideways, sniffling loudly.

“I thought you were dead! I thought you died! And then sensei died and he almost got Itachi-kun too, but then he just ran off! And I’m so glad you’re alive. I thought you were dead!”

Since signing is impossible with his impromptu limpet, he gives up and pats her back.

“The wound wasn’t as deep as we thought, Shinko. Kowashi just passed out from the pain for a bit.”

He looks up in time to see Hatake-san’s eyes narrow, obviously wondering why Itachi is lying. _Well, that’s a problem for later._ For now, he just pats Shinko on the head as she starts apologizing for aggravating his wound.

~

Itachi draws him away after the funeral and states, “You were dead.”

 _He should have expected this._ He debates whether to lie or not, then shrugs.

_‘Yes. I died before, when I was in Root. When I wake up the wounds aren’t fatal anymore, but they don’t heal quicker.’_

“Root?”

_‘Yes. Secret. S-h-i-m-u-r-a leads. Hates Uchiha. Spreads bad talk.’_

Itachi looks startled. “You mean he spreads rumors about my clan? And Root is a secret division, like ANBU?”

He nods.

“Then…did he send you to watch me?”

_‘No. Similar corpse, left in place. Hide from in open. Not care about dead Roots, just make more.’_

“So he doesn’t know you’re alive?”

_‘Truth.’_

“Are you sure? Doesn’t being mute make you stand out?”

Kowashi shakes his head. _‘Could talk before. Died and died. No talk now. Died again, no change.’_

“So you have died three times now, and you don’t know why you’re mute now?”

_‘Truth.’_

“Why did you say it was an Uchiha who attacked us on the mission?”

He frowns, unsure how to phrase it. _‘Red eye wheel. Moves like Shisui. Only Uchiha can. Maybe why S-h-i-m-u-r-a think Uchiha bad. Big fox.’_

“Maa, maa, that’s quite an accusation.” Hatake-san notes, dropping down beside them, looking satisfied at startling squeaks out of both of them.

 _‘Stupid lightning! Try kill heart!?’_ Kowashi signs indignantly. Giving him a heart attack isn’t really a good way to endear oneself to him.

Hatake-san eye smiles obnoxiously. “Of course not. I just thought I should join in the conversation since I may have more information than you two.”

Kowashi gives him the finger.

“Rude. Besides, if you can come back from the dead, it’s hardly worth my time to try to kill you as long as you’re not a threat to Konoha. I was in Root for a time, myself, but it’s supposed to have been disbanded under the Sandaime’s order. Are you saying it has not been?”

_‘Truth. Left two number ago.’_

“Two years ago?”

He nods, a little impressed at how fast Hatake-san is picking up how to translate his awkward signing.

“And you think Shimura-san may be encouraging rumors about the Uchiha because he dislikes them and suspects them of being behind the Kyuubi attack?”

Kowashi shakes his head. _‘Know. Started talk, bad talk. Might think attacker Uchiha behind fox. Wait. Power hungry. Think Hat his. Want Itachi to kill Uchiha all. Hat man not stop.’_

“So you know for certain he’s behind the rumors about the Uchiha, and you don’t know if he has good reason or not to think an Uchiha was behind the Kyuubi attack, but you think it could have been the same Uchiha who attacked on your mission if that’s the case?”

_‘Truth.’_

“You think that he wants to kill an entire clan and that the Hokage approves of this?”

He scowls and shakes his head. _‘S-h-i-m-u-r-a think Hat man weak. Lie, lie, lie. Hat man not stop if not know. Think Hat his. Fear red eye wheel that see truth. Make people fear, people happy fear ones die. Remove power piece could stand against, other pieces weaker. Noble power games. Only care for self. Lie, lie, lie.’_

Hatake-san stares at him for a long time, then sighs. “Unfortunately, that’s probably about the same time he was ordered to disband it, so that’s not really proof. I don’t suppose you’d tell this to the Hokage?”

_‘No. Hat man not strong.’_

“Is there anyone you _would_ be willing to tell?”

 _‘Shadow man.’_ He replies after a moment, remembering the Jounin Commander is a Nara. Then he glances at Itachi and realizes the boy is shaking. Maybe talking in front of him about old creepy wanting him to kill his own clan hadn’t been that great of an idea. He puts a hand over Itachi’s hand briefly to get his attention. _‘Not dead. Not dead. Can stop. Okay? Not let happen.’_

“Big promises.” Hatake-san sounds half amused, half sad.

Kowashi scowls at him again. _‘Stupid lightning.’_

~

_They say Luck be a Lady. I call bullshit. Historically, the god of luck and gambling was the two faced Janus. One face laughing, the other face crying. If there’s a personification of Luck, it sure as hell doesn’t care whether one’s luck is good or bad. And meanwhile, either way, I can guarantee that Fate is rolling on the couch, laughing itself sick. ~Bitter reflections, entry #231_

Shinko has decided to go back to civilian life. Honestly, he can’t blame her. But it does mean that they’re waiting for a new sensei _and_ a new teammate. He eyes the Hokage warily while they wait. The Sandaime might be a weak leader when it comes to dealing with internal problems, but that doesn’t mean he’s a weak ninja, or stupid.

The teammate shows up first. He takes a long look at the scar across the Aburame’s throat, recognizing him vaguely as one of Shimura’s pets. There’s no reason for the Aburame to recognize him, however, so it’s probable that he’s just a ploy on Shimura’s part to keep an eye on Itachi. Objecting would be suspicious, and the Aburame _might_ have orders to kill if his cover is blown.

Their new sensei, however… _How the hell?_ Absolutely not. There is no way he’s letting himself be put in a position where he and Itachi can easily be pressured by their _sensei_ to be Shimura’s minions, or be _disposed_ of easily if they don’t comply.

 _‘No. Not him. Want stupid lightning.’_ He signs emphatically, backing away and nudging Itachi along with him.

“Genin do not get to choose their sensei.” The man reprimands in a flat monotone.

_‘No! Want stupid lightning!’_

“Just a moment, Daisuke. I’m curious. What is ‘stupid lightning’?” The Hokage intervenes.

“Ah, I believe he means Hatake-san, Hokage-sama.” Itachi offers. “He was sent as support for our mission, so Kowashi met him shortly after the attack.”

“I see. And why does he call him ‘stupid lightning’?”

A tiny smirk curls Itachi’s lips. “Because he startled us enough that Kowashi accused him of trying to give him a heart attack.”

The Hokage chuckles. “Kakashi does have a habit of appearing without warning. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone call him stupid before, though. However, Kakashi is not one of our jounin sensei, so I’m afraid that you’ll have to settle for the sensei picked out for you.”

  _‘No. Not him.’_

Weirdly, the Aburame bestirs his insects and has them make somewhat tinny sounds that form into words. _*I have no objection to sensei.*_

Kowashi curls his lip. _Of course he wouldn’t._

Itachi looks back and forth between them, then clears his throat. “Actually, Hokage-sama, while I understand that Hatake-san cannot be our sensei, I have never known Kowashi to take an active dislike to someone before, so I also would like to request a different sensei. I trust his instincts.”

“Hmmn.” The Hokage taps his fingers on the desk, then picks up his pipe, smoking while he considers. “Very well. Daisuke, you are dismissed back to your former duties. Yōji, you may leave as well. I need to discuss something with these two.”

Neither have much reaction to that, simply excuse themselves and leave.

“So.” The Hokage puts down his pipe and steeples his fingers. “Truthfully, you dislike Yōji as well, correct?”

Kowashi frowns, not having expected the insight. _‘Not dislike. Not trust.’_

“Interesting. And Daisuke sensei? Why is your reaction to him so strong?”

He throws up his hands in disgust, because not being able to talk is _the worst_. Itachi pats his arm calmingly, and he settles with a huff. _‘Not trust. Not want die. How many teammates come back alive? Small heart sensei enough. Refuse no heart sensei.’_

The Hokage raises a brow and looks at Itachi for interpretation.

Itachi flinches slightly. “Kowashi called Minazuki sensei _‘petty sensei’_ because Minazuki sensei didn’t like me. I think he’s calling Daisuke sensei ‘ _emotionless’_ or ‘ _heartless’_.”

Kowashi nods. _‘Both. No will, only duty.’_

“Hmmn. And your distrust aside, what do you think of Yōji as an addition to your team?”

_‘Two no talk on same team? Stupid. Civilian not understand sign. Civilian run from bug boy, scared. What if Itachi hurt, need help? Not smart choice.’_

“I see. That is a very good point. I do not believe that your handicap was taken into consideration when selecting a new teammate. Very well. A new teammate and sensei will be assigned to Team 2 by the end of the week.”

~

This time, their new sensei and teammate are waiting for them. The teammate is a rather unremarkable girl, Himuka Suzukaze, who is far too emotional to be one of Shimura’s, so Kowashi has no issue with her.

“And this is your new sensei, Housei Akamichi.” The Hokage chuckles. “I take it you are pleased with this choice, Kowashi?”

Maybe his eyes lighting up at the idea of all you can eat delicious food hadn’t been as subtle as he thought. _‘Yes. Food.’_

“Rations?” Itachi asks in puzzlement.

 _‘Dango.’_ He clarifies, because that’s Itachi’s favorite, hands down.

Housei sensei laughs. “Ah, a man after my own heart. I can teach you how to cook, if you like.”

Kowashi considers. Nameless only knew how to fix tasteless rations. As Ethan he’d known how to cook a few things well, but Asian-type cuisine hadn’t been among them. _‘Maybe.’_

The Akamichi doesn’t seem offended by his hesitance, though, and claps him lightly on the shoulder.

“Sensei, can I learn too?” Himuka asks eagerly.

“Of course. And Itachi-kun, if you like, I can teach you how to make dango if your mother hasn’t.”

“I would like that, Housei sensei.” Itachi says politely, but Kowashi can tell he’s as excited as the girl is. _Good, the boy could use some joy in his life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kowashi uses a bastardized combination of Konoha sign and gestures, since they don’t have a proper sign language, just variants of ninja sign. Names are either spelled out, or made of shortcut signs that the speaker associates with the person. Kowashi has a shortcut for Itachi’s name, but gestured to Itachi after saying it to let the Hokage know who he meant specifically, since the Hokage wasn’t familiar with the sign. Otherwise the Hokage would’ve had to ask, like he did about the other names. Itachi was able to familiarize him with Konoha sign because the variant he knew before was mostly Root specific sign. There’s some overlap of Root sign with both Konoha sign and ANBU sign, but only enough for them to pretend briefly to be ordinary ninja or ANBU.
> 
> Kowashi Suzuki- OC. He’s fairly bitter over the whole dying and waking up as another person in a _manga world_ thing. He’s only nominally familiar with Naruto cannon, as he only ever read most of the first arc, one time. Most of what he knows is a combination of information from the nameless Root member’s body he ended up in, and extrapolation of what history and politics he knows from our world. Some of the latter is a bit off, because typically he doesn’t remember it correctly or never got the correct version, since neither was his focus in life or his career. He’s not entirely sure what killed him as ‘Ethan’, but he is immediately aware that he died, although this is more assumption than fact to begin with. His morals are mostly modern, but mixed with that of the nameless Root member to some extent, allowing him to function without a lot of angst in the mix. He’s extremely practical in some ways, but it takes some odd routes at times. While ‘Kowashi’ has a somewhat similar meaning to ‘Ethan’, ‘Suzuki’ is a very common surname he chose somewhat ironically, meaning ‘bell wood’.
> 
> Shinko Inari- She’s not an OC. You can look her up. A nice girl who went back to being civilian canonically after teammate Tenma Izumo _(he’s the canon character Kowashi replaced on the team, but still exists on some other team)_ was killed, in part because Itachi was so much more skilled that she felt that she was redundant as a shinobi.
> 
> Yūki Minazuki- Canonically Yūki has a petty, jealous streak, and does not take kindly to prospective Genin who outclass him in skill. He had sent several genin like this back to the Academy, and while he could not do the same to Itachi Uchiha, it was believed to be the reason he did not personally recommend the boy for the Chūnin Exams. I killed him off because I didn’t think he’d be likely to miss Kowashi being dead and then not dead, and not likely to let it drop. In interests of Kowashi not ending up in T&I or some such, ‘ _petty sensei’_ now has a place on the Konoha memorial stone. Kowashi disliked him not only for his attitude towards Itachi, but for the fact that he didn’t notice even a bit that Kowashi was holding back.
> 
> Yōji Aburame- He’s not an OC, you can look him up online. He was one of the replacement members of Team 2, assigned to keep an eye on Itachi by Danzo. Kowashi and Itachi almost got him as a team member, but the muse didn’t feel like writing _‘singing poison mosquitos’_ and trying to write two basically mute characters.
> 
> Daisuke ?- OC. One of Danzo’s original Root flunkies. It is uncertain how Danzo managed to place him as Team 2’s replacement sensei, but Kowashi and Itachi objected and the Hokage acquiesced to their plea for his own reasons.
> 
> Himuka Suzukaze- Also not an OC. Like Yōji, she was one of the replacement members of Team 2. She very much admired Itachi, even going so far as to call him ‘Master’ because of his skill.
> 
> Housei Akamichi- OC. Replacement sensei for Team 2 after Kowashi and Itachi objected to their initial replacement teacher. A kind man. Unsurprisingly, cooking is a hobby.


	2. Breasts, Challenges, and Seals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kowashi gets smothered. Kakashi gets bitten. Kowashi gets scolded. Pakkun thinks Kakashi's an idiot. Kowashi finds out that drawing has unexpected hazards involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Itachi’s around 8-9.  
> Kowashi is probably closer to Anko’s age than Itachi’s, at least he assumes so, but he actually doesn’t know. His _forged_ records state he’s 11.  
> Anko is 7yrs older than Itachi, so about 15.  
> Kakashi is 9yrs older than Itachi, two older than Anko, so about 17.
> 
> Danzo Shimura- about 63yrs.  
> Hiruzen Sarutobi- about 59yrs.  
> As far as I can tell, the Shimura were a small clan that dwindled sharply during the first three wars. I think, but am not positive, that there were still some other (unmentioned) Shimuras around by the time Naruto graduated. The Shimura clan had a good reputation, and personality deficits don’t necessarily run in bloodlines _(though they can, if the result of inheritable mental disorders or the like)_ , so I assume that they were good citizens and most/all of them probably had nothing at all to do with Danzo’s plans for self-supremacy.  
> Whereas the Sarutobi, one finds out much later in the manga/anime, were still a quite large clan, whose specialty was fire chakra jutsus. Who knew? Guess the Land of Fire didn’t _just_ get its name from having too many trees and a resident Uchiha clan, haha.
> 
> Kowashi is not a Self-Insert character, though I do realize that he fits the general category of this site’s generalized definition of it. Since fanfic is something I’ve come to fairly recently, I define ‘self-insert’ as deliberately writing one’s own self into the story, and Kowashi is _not_ me. Some of me pretty much goes into all my characters (even a few of the bad ones), and that’s no more and no less true for Kowashi. I am fairly sure he’s the result of me reading a lot of ‘character from our world dies and is reborn into some game world’ type mangas (and fics) recently. Lol.   
> Basically, his concept is a regular person who died too young but not from traumatic causes, and has little investment in trying to make things go ‘right’ for the world, simply because being a ‘fixer’ is not a large facet of his personality and he recognizes that his very limited previous-world knowledge would be less than useful in an attempt to do so. He’s not a super-nerd or geek with inexplicably useful knowledge, his former career is nothing unusual and not particularly useful to him in most situations. His angst levels are low, with no particular problem with ‘taking over someone else’s life’, since he knows the body he ended up in died before he ended up in it. Most of his angst and bitterness gets directed at ‘Fate’, which he blames for his current situation. His motivation is mostly to live the most hassle-free life he can manage with the skills at his disposal, and he misses being a civilian, but is realistic enough to know that trying to be one isn’t in the cards for him and doesn’t waste time angsting over it.  
> Why am I rambling about this? I honestly have no idea. Lol. I ramble oddly when tired, and even sleeping all day didn’t fix the tired entirely, but at least I was able to finish writing the last two scenes afterwards, so yay.

_When Fate rolls the dice, you can be sure that a flap of a butterfly’s wing can cause a hurricane and transform the world. Only one problem with that. Fate’s the type to munch on prime rib, and use players as target practice with the leftover bones and gristle. Good luck surviving if Fate’s in a good mood. If it’s in a bad mood, the best you can hope for is a quick death, and that death sticks properly. If it’s in a playful mood, just be resigned. No matter what you do, something weird is going to happen. ~Bitter reflections, entry #1026_

“So you’re the one who requested Kakashi as your sensei!”

His eyes widen as he recognizes the speaker, and then…

Kowashi has never thought about breasts being a lethal weapon before, but he will never underestimate them again. That is, if he survives. He’s currently being smothered in Anko Mitarashi’s ample breasts, flailing helplessly as she coos over him. Her chainmesh shirt makes it almost impossible to move his lips, so being able to talk in this instance wouldn’t be as helpful as he wishes he could say it would be.

“Aww, you are just too adorable! ‘Stupid lightning’ is the _perfect_ name for him. Someone should have thought of it _years_ ago. Good job, kid!”

Itachi clears his throat. “Anko-san, I think Kowashi might like to be able to breathe before he passes out.” _Thank you, Itachi, you paragon among dango lovers!_

“Breathing’s overrated.” Anko retorts, but relents anyway.

He sucks in air greedily, a little shaken, and signs, _‘Thank you!’_ to Itachi.

Anko grins at him and squishes his cheeks. “So tell me, what do you call Itachi-chan?”

 _‘I+peace.’_ The first symbol of Itachi’s name followed by the sign for peace.

“Oh, that’s cute. What about me? I know you recognized me.”

Kowashi grimaces at her and considers, then signs, _‘Dango killer.’_

She bursts into delighted laughter and he just barely manages to get his hands up in time to stave off a repeat of smothering via breasts. This only makes her laugh harder. “Why, aren’t _you_ a precocious one? Give it five years and I might take you up on it.”

 _‘Liar.’_ He mouths as clearly as he can, not about to risk moving his hands to sign with.

“Oh? You think so?”

 _‘You. Like. Kakashi.’_ He pauses between each word, trying to make sure she can read his lips.

Anko scowls at him. “You know too much, kid. And do you also know what Kakashi thinks of me?”

He pushes back, and is surprised when she lets him go.  _Good. At least now he has space to sign again._

_‘Need to defeat stupid lightning if want him to t-h-i-n-k of you. Stupid lightning afraid of r-e-l-y-i-n-g on weaker. Afraid die. Not trust to let in.’_

She stares at him for a long moment in silence, then hmphs. “So, basically the only person he’d think about like that right now is that training idiot Gai, who wouldn’t know romance if it bit him in the ass?”

Kowashi has no idea if Gai would know romance or not, but nods solemnly anyways. If Anko is focused on defeating Kakashi, then her lethal weapons are far from Kowashi’s face. _Those things are dangerous!_ He’s fairly sure a tokubetsu jounin is no match for Kakashi in any case, so the pursuit should keep her safely occupied for a few years. Hopefully long enough for him to get too tall to be easily smothered by accident.

Anko gets a crafty look on her face, and he spares a passing flicker of sympathy for Kakashi.

_Ah well, dodging Anko’s machinations will keep the lazy man on his toes._

Then she startles him by signing back. _‘Thanks, little sweet-blue.’_

He blinks a few times. The _‘blue’_ makes sense, given his hair, but how in the dickens did she come up with _‘sweet’_ as part of his sign name? _Whatever._ Maybe it’s just because she’s addicted to dango and has decided she likes him as well. Then a horrifying thought crosses his mind, and he fervently hopes that the addition of _‘sweet’_ to his sign name doesn’t mean she plans to ~~smother~~ hug him frequently.

~

Kakashi hurts all over. Gai had been particularly enthusiastic about their taijutsu challenge, so that’s not unusual. It takes him a moment to realize he’s been attacked; it’s not pain that alerts him, but rather the absence of pain, radiating up from his ankle. He lifts his head enough to look down and sees a small snake staring at him intently before it disappears with a puff of smoke.

 _Ah, fuck. Isn’t it enough that he has to deal with the possibility of Root being active, a plot against the Uchiha, and a kid who’s died at least once before but seems to have the ability to bounce back without permanent harm done? He has to deal with a snake summoner too?_ Once again, he considers the possibility that life is a cosmic joke aimed directly at him.

He tenses as footsteps approach, then flops back as he sees Anko standing over him, looking smug. “Wha’ uh ‘ou wan’, An’o?”

_Great, fast acting. He’s slurring already._

She smirks. “A challenge. You win and nothing happens, I win and you get to be my boyfriend. Oh, by the way, I win. Seeing as you’re incapacitated.”

He blinks at her, because _what in kami’s name?_ Anko’s always been an odd one. But no one has been interested in him in years, his scary hoarde of fangirls dropping the notion that he was a catch as soon as he earned the appellation _‘friend killer’_.

“‘oo I ge’ a ‘ay in thi’?”

“Sure. If you win next year’s challenge. In the meantime? Not a chance.” She tells him cheerfully, then stoops and slings him over her shoulder.

 _Okay, **this** is humiliating._ Anko is enough shorter that his fingers and toes hang only a couple inches from the ground when draped over her like this. Not satisfied with that, Anko takes her time walking through the village instead of speeding over rooftops.

Genma almost swallows his senbon laughing when Anko informs him that Kakashi lost a challenge to her and is her boyfriend for the next year.

Gai grandly praises his youth and passion in romance. At the top of his lungs.

Fugaku solemnly bends down and checks his pupils before straightening. “Congratulations, Anko. Kakashi’s always been a bit too shy for his own good.”

 _Oh, lovely. The entire Uchiha clan will know about it by nightfall._ Anko is absolutely doing this on purpose, he has no doubt. Making it all but impossible to back out of her very public claims.

When she wanders by the Hyuuga twins and stops to chat, he just…gives up and pretends to be asleep. With any luck he’ll wake up and it will all be just a bad dream. _Not that his luck has ever been that good._

~

Housei sensei snags him out of midair and holds him up so they’re eye to eye. “You’re hurting your team and yourself by constantly holding back, so quit it, ne? I can hardly teach you properly if I don’t know what you’re capable of.”

Kowashi winces and reluctantly admits, _‘Enemy-ally eyes on team.’_

“Who?”

He looks away.

“Hm. I see.”

Surprised, he looks back at Housei sensei searchingly, wondering if he really does see or if he just is being kind enough to not press him. The slightly blank look in the usually gentle eyes makes him think it’s the former.

Housei sensei smiles at him after a moment. “Still, quit holding back. It will give your refusal to work with a sensei you didn’t trust weight. And Itachi could use someone who is skilled to compete with.”

Kowashi cringes. _‘Not be that good.’_

“You don’t _have_ to be as good at the things he’s good at. There are skills you have naturally that Itachi will struggle to master, if he ever manages to. A team compliments each other’s skills. No team is ever constructed with the thought of putting two lesser copies of a skill set as redundant back up with a superior copy of the same skill set as the main fighter.” Housei sets him down gently and pats his shirt back into place. “Think about it. Why did Shinko quit and you stayed? What made you say ‘no’ to a teacher and teammate who you felt uncomfortable with, when Itachi would have simply accepted it? Why were you and Itachi placed on the same team? Hm? Now try that move again, alright? This time do it properly.”

_‘Yes, sensei.’_

Housei chuckles and moves off to correct Himuka’s stance.

He doesn’t even notice when his next attempt at the move flows sharply into excruciating efficiency while he contemplates Housei sensei’s words.

Itachi does, though, and a little smile curls his mouth. _Finally._

~

Kakashi wakes up feeling remarkably well rested. At least, until he realizes that he’s tied to a bed, wearing only his undershorts, in a room that looks eerily like his own bedroom. Which is worrisome, given that he doesn’t remember how he got here. He tries to move his head and promptly bites his tongue hard enough to draw blood.

_Oww._

_Fuck it. Blood is blood. And he could use some help here._ He pushes his sluggish chakra into a summoning jutsu.

Pakkun appears in a puff of smoke, glances down, snorts, and backs up so he’s no longer directly on Kakashi’s face. “Yo, Boss. You’re entitled to your kink, but I don’t really need to know about it in person.”

“Pakkkkuuuun!” Kakashi whines. _This is not how the conversation is supposed to go._

“What? You’re tied to your own bed with ropes loose enough they wouldn’t hold a civilian, and you smell of girl. What am I supposed to think? Oh, was there something you needed, Boss?”

_Girl… Oh._

He blinks at Pakkun, processing the information, then with effort turns his head to get a decent look at the ropes. _Sure enough._ “Why would she even bother with ropes? She already dragged me through the village putting her claim on me.”

Pakkun stares at him for a long moment, then gives a longsuffering sigh. “Probably as a warning to not try running off before you’ve recovered and get yourself hurt. Women tend to take that personally, Boss. A bit of advice. Stay put so you don’t make her cry. You can’t exactly afford to have her run off. It’s not like the bitches are lining up to mate with you. Now, if that was all, Boss, I gotta go tell the others that the snakes-and-dango girl is joining the pack.”

“Wha-? Pakkun, _wait!_ ”

He stares mournfully at the empty space where Pakkun has just dismissed himself, then thumps his head on the bed with a whimper. _Now his entire pack is going to have weird ideas about this! He’s never going to hear the end of it!_

~

“What are you doing?”

Kowashi blinks and looks up from the abstract shape he’s doodling in the dust, then realizes he doesn’t know a word for _drawing_ and pauses a moment to remember the spelling, before signing, _‘D-r-a-w-i-n-g.’_

Itachi gives him a mildly amused look. “I can see that. What kind of seal is that?”

 _Seal?_ He looks down at his random mandala in progress for a moment in puzzlement, before remembering with a jolt of horror that seals and his doodle have a _lot_ in common, and seals actually have _power_ in this world. With a wince, he signs, _‘Not seal.’_

“Oh, no. I’m not positive it’s functional, but it’s definitely a seal.” Itachi contradicts. “What made you draw it, though?”

 _‘Wanted.’_ He signs. Just drawing for the fun of it isn’t really something that’s part of ninja life, and he misses it. Art isn’t really his thing, but he can draw straight lines and perfect circles like a boss. He hasn’t needed a protractor in years, though he kept a fancy one around for drawing ovals, since he kind of sucks at those.

Itachi gives him a curious look. “I only know of two, maybe three, people who could tell us if it’s a functional seal. Do you want me to copy it down on paper? We can go ask one of them.”

 _Yeah… That would probably be best. After all, he doesn’t want to accidentally blow up Konoha or something._ He nods gratefully.

_He’s gonna be pissed if it turns out that he can’t resort to his hobby of drawing ever again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the mute thing? Was kind of a whim. I’d recently read a fic with a mute character, and a few days before that had been talking to a friend who was thinking about brushing up his sign language and looking for my sign language dictionary _(no luck, pretty sure I gave it to someone who’d use it more often)_. Anyways, it was pointed out to me that it looked deliberate, and after thinking about it some, I’ve decided to keep having it be an issue for him, long term. Why? Not being able to communicate easily in _most_ situations has got to be one of the more difficult situations in life, and there’s a surprising number of people in the ‘minority’ who deal with that, and find themselves basically relegated to being treated as a second class citizen through no fault of their own, and with no regards to their abilities and skills. _(Minority is a laughable term when the base number you’re working with is well into the several billions, closing in fast on the trillions.)_ A deaf or mute person who can communicate _easily_ with someone who isn’t, and knows no sign language is _a lot rarer_ than you’d expect, and most of them are only partially deaf or mute, and many of them were not born that way. They’re also putting in at least five times as much effort to any conversation _habitually_ as the person they’re communicating with. Did you know many deaf people never learn to read lips? I remember being shocked by that years ago, because it’s something that’s just assumed, plus _I_ can read lips to some extent. Losing one sense does NOT necessarily magically increase one’s ability with a compensatory sense, contrary to popular myth. (Sadly, I know _very little_ about muteness. Though I have read that it’s rare for muteness to be total in the sense that many people _born_ mute can still make various incoherent sounds to a greater or lesser extent, they just can’t make them into intelligible words. Thus why I have Kowashi occasionally make sounds if startled or extremely frustrated or even if he needs to alert someone that he’s there or has something to say. Well, that and not all sounds require reliance on vocal chords to produce. Such as whistles, coughs, clearing one’s throat, etc.)  
> Anyways.  
> Though there is a reason for Kowashi’s muteness, it’s not a mental or physical health condition, and you’re probably going to spend some time snickering at me once the reason is discovered by the characters. He’s going to consistently have more issues in civilian areas than in interacting with ninjas, since ninjas are all familiar with _some_ form of basic sign so they can communicate in silence or over distances where sound wouldn’t carry well. Kowashi deals _shockingly_ well with the limitation, but for him it’s even more frustrating than finding a solution to the ‘hidden villain Shimura’. Like about 10x as frustrating, minimum. Don’t _even_ get him started on trying to communicate with civilians, particularly ones who can’t read.
> 
> I just wanted a scene where Kowashi was doodling and got caught at it, someone remarking on his skill. But I was very tired and was trying to write out the Kakashi waking up scene, so I ended up with too much time to think, and… It occurred to me that a large number of modern people know how to read basic blueprints, and that anyone who understands the concept of how blueprints work, and who can draw a straight line, might turn out to be shockingly natural at learning seals and adapting them. Particularly if their hobby is freehand drawing mandalas to de-stress. Mandalas being an extremely structured form of creativity in many ways, and resembling certain types of seals to a surprising extent.


	3. Seals, Signs, and whatever that word I blanked out is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kowashi meets a seals expert. Kowashi meets a deaf woman. Kowashi has a talk with Shikaku. Seals teacher shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know... (yawns)

_The Hokage._

Because of course it would be the _Hokage_ of all people.

The man hums thoughtfully as he traces the lines of the mandala with his eyes. Finally he looks up with a genial smile. “Well, it’s not functional as is, but I think it’s probably a good thing that Itachi interrupted you when he did. Tell me, Kowashi, what do you know of seals?”

He blinks at the question and has to think for a moment. _‘Can use to explode, hold chakra beasts, force people to obey like H-y-u-u-g-a branch m-e-m-b-e-r-s. Not sure other.’_

The Sandaime’s brows rise the slightest bit before smoothing out. “How would you like to learn seal work, Kowashi? It’s an extremely rare and valuable skill, and you seem to have a gift for it.”

Suspicious, Kowashi glances at Itachi’s expression and realizes that the question for all its jovial mildness, is _not_ a question, but an order. He sags slightly. _‘Okay.’_

“Excellent. A teacher will be arranged for you.”

Suddenly, an image of a white haired man giggling as he peeks on the women in the bath pops up in Kowashi’s memory, and he flinches. _‘Not super perv.’_

“Super -?” Hiruzen looks at Itachi, who shakes his head.

_Right, Housei sensei’s mother had taught him that one, but Itachi had been helping Himuka with something just then._

_‘P-e-r-v. J-i-r-a-i-y-a.’_

A faintly disturbed look crosses the old man’s face.

Itachi frowns at Kowashi. “Jiraiya left the village years ago. He couldn’t be your teacher.”

_Oh, fuck! Is he not supposed to know that Jiraiya is the spymaster?_

The Sandaime chuckles. “There are others in Konoha who’ve learned the basics of the art, and who do not share Jiraiya’s enthusiastic proclivities.”

Kowashi crosses his arms in a satisfied, silent _hmmph_ , hoping it covers his slip sufficiently, then remembers that he has to use his hands to talk and uncrosses them again to sign, _‘Good.’_

He pretends he doesn’t hear Itachi’s muffled giggle.

~

_Team 2 meets Housei sensei’s family…_

Meeting Housei sensei’s family is…not what he’d expected. Sensei’s mother, Aai Akamichi, doesn’t greet them except with a vague smile, but then looks at Kowashi a second time. Taking his face in her hands without a word, she stares at him intently for several long moments before releasing him abruptly and signing very clearly, _‘Wait here.’_

Surprised, he nods, then looks at Housei sensei for an explanation.

The big man grins. “My mother was born deaf. She’s trained in basic ninjutsu, but she’s a civilian because of her handicap. Don’t worry, she likes you. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to have someone to teach all her signs to besides the family.”

_‘She know I am mute?’_

“Nah. I thought I’d let it be a nice surprise. She’ll figure it out quickly, though.”

Kowashi considers for a moment. _‘Mother why you our sensei?’_

“Yes. I was told that the Hokage was quite firm with the Council over the matter. Something about being inconsiderate about the team’s basic needs and asset to fieldwork.”

Despite himself, Kowashi smirks, picturing it. Clearly there had been a lot of plausible bullshit tossed around, but he supposes that the Hokage really had no choice other than to do so after dismissing Shimura’s candidates for the team over a mere ‘civilian genin’s objection. Though really, admin is a crummy job, and particularly so if one has to deal with the same people for decades, so it’s entirely possible that the man had thoroughly enjoyed the chance to one-up his Council.

Aai returns a few minutes later with a thick, poorly bound book with a tatty, moth eaten cover and shoves it into his hands. _‘Read! Yes?’_

He nods in surprise, squinting at the hand written title in faded ink. _A Recorde of Extynct Clanns._ Clearly it is an old book, probably predating widespread use of printing presses.

She taps his shoulder to get his attention and smiles widely at him. _‘Good. Good boy. Name?’_

Kowashi stuffs the book under his arm and signs awkwardly, _‘K-o-w-a-s-h-i S-u-z-u-k-i.’_

 _‘Oh, you are q-u-i-t-e good at that. Have sign name?’_ She asks, looking pleased.

 _He… Sign name?_ Then he remembers Anko of the lethal breasts. _‘Little sweet blue.’_

Aai makes a sound of offkey amusement. _‘Is there big sweet blue?’_

He flushes. _‘Not think so.’_

_‘No worry. Is c-u-t-e. Maybe leave off little, t-h-o-u-g-h? My sign name is dark sky, same as name written. Your team have sign names?’_

_‘H-i-m-u-k-a not. I-t-a-c-h-i is I+peace.’_

She taps her cheek in a pensive gesture for a moment. _‘What H-i-m-u-k-a be like?’_

Kowashi doesn’t know the girl well enough to really know. Not yet. _‘Cheerful?’_

_‘How about sun smile, then? First character of written name and smile?’_

He nods, grateful to not have to come up with one for the girl himself.

Housei sensei chuckles, drawing his attention. “Himuka, looks like you have a sign name, now. It looks like this-” _‘Sun smile.’_ “Okay? You need to remember it, because that will mean that Kowashi or my mother are addressing you.”

“Ooh! Okay, sensei!”

Aai taps Kowashi on the shoulder again. _‘You deaf too?’_

_‘No. Mute.’_

_‘****! Will teach you and you team more sign. Yes?’_

_‘What first word?’_

A faintly embarrassed look crosses her face. _‘R-a-r-e. Teach, yes?’_

_‘Yes. Thank you.’_

_‘My p-l-e-a-s-u-r-e.’_

Kowashi almost drops the book, adjusts it, and asks, _‘Why book?’_

_‘Look up K clans. Same hair, eyes. Maybe voice too. Maybe not clan, maybe is.’_

That’s surprising.  While pale blue hair isn’t unheard of, his dark viridian eyes are a little less common, and he’s never heard of a _clan_ bearing that coloration. Then again, the book _is_ about _extinct_ clans. And it’s not exactly recent itself. _‘Will read. Thank you.’_

She nods. _‘Please careful with. A-n-c-e-s-t-o-r write. Only one copy. May make copy if want copy less careful with.’_

 _That’s…_ He’s being trusted with a one of a kind heirloom? _‘Yes, careful. Make copy. Return original safe!’_

Aai ruffles his hair in open approval, then moves off to do something else. He blinks after her for a moment, before turning to his team, feeling a bit dazed. _Housei sensei’s mom is awesome._

~

“Someone wants to talk to you.”

Kowashi blinks at Housei sensei, then follows him to a small study where an unfamiliar Akamichi sits. The door closes behind him, and he twitches as he finds himself alone with the Aka- _Okaaaay, then._ The henge fades and he finds himself facing a Nara instead. Specifically, the Jounin Commander.

“I’ve been told you have proof of certain activities for me that you don’t want to risk handing over through official channels?”

 _Right to the point. Surprising in a Nara._ Kowashi nods. _‘Think Hat man ignore if official. Maybe p-r-o-o-f disappear. Bandage Councilor not right in head. Take Konoha kids, make kill e-a-c-h other, not care if die. Think tools only.’_

Shikaku’s brows lift. “And you know this how?”

Like he’s going to tell him that to his face? Yeah right. Root might be ‘illegal’ now, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t get tossed back under Shimura’s aegis if he admits to being former Root. _‘Bandage councilor make copies of records. Back up. Took from v-a-u-l-t.’_

“I see. And you’re willing to give me these records, why?”

_‘Needs be stopped. Before U-c-h-i-h-a clan forced to die by bad talk.’_

“‘Bad talk’? You mean rumors?”

_‘Yes.’_

“You think Danzo-sama is spreading rumors to discredit the Uchiha and that it will drive them to suicide.” Shikaku states more than asks, tone hinting at disbelief.

 _‘No.’_ Kowashi shakes his head emphatically. _‘Not think. Have proof. Not kill-self. Make less t-h-a-n person to others, then kill, hand wave, say deserve it. People believe bad talk. Clan gone, bandage Councilor not held at f-a-u-l-t. P-r-o-p-a-g-a-n-d-a campaign. Sneaky bad.’_

Shikaku stares at him for a long, long moment, then slumps into himself. “Troublesome. Alright, brat. Get me the proof, and I’ll see what I can do.”

_‘Stop him!’_

“I’ll try, kid, I’ll try. But the Councilors have more political wiles than they do wrinkles. It’ll take a while. Possibly a few years. A simple accusation, even with basic proof, will probably be swept under the carpet.”

Kowashi scowls at him. _‘Smart shadow can do. Must do.’_

Shikaku sputters and scowls back. “You’re something else, kid, you know that?”

_‘Must do. Thought smart shadow smart. Just weak like Hat man? Let all clan die for bandage Councilor e-g-o is not smart. Konoha weaker with clan dead. Blood on your hands if not stop.’_

The Jounin Commander stills dangerously, eyes going cold. “Bring me your proof, brat. I have plenty of blood on my hands already, or did you think I got my position by being nice? But I’ll grant you that I’d prefer to not see an entire clan pushed to a wall if possible. Particularly not _that_ clan.”

He snorts derogatively, but pulls a storage scroll out of his weapons pouch and tosses it to Shikaku. _‘All there. Be careful, smart shadow. Hidden evil sees no evil in self. Takes all for self if can.’_

Shikaku huffs. “I’m always careful, but your warning is noted.”

~

Kowashi blinks at the kid only a couple years older than him at best. _‘You? You are teacher for seals?’_

“Believe me, it’s not my idea either. Sandaime-sama said I have to. I’m Iruka Umino, chunin. I know enough to teach you basics and a couple specialized seals. Do me a favor and learn quickly. You’ll get a different teacher once I’m done with you, and then _I_ can go back on missions.”

He shifts his weight, at a loss as how to reply, because _wow, rude._ Spotting Itachi’s intensely curious expression almost covered by stoic indifference, he finally settles on, _‘Can you teach Itachi, too?’_

Iruka narrows his eyes, then shrugs. “Sure, as long as he puts genuine effort into learning. If he’s going to waste my time, he can go do other things.”

Kowashi almost laughs, because _Itachi wasting a teacher’s time? Yeah, right._

“Hey, me too! Can you teach me how to make explosive tags?” Himuka cuts in.

A chill goes down his spine at the gleeful grin that lights Iruka’s face at the question.

“I can not only teach you explosive tags, I can teach you how to change the timing, the force, and how to add things to them!”

Himuka squeals in appreciation and thanks Iruka volubly.

_Way, way too much glee on Iruka’s face._

_Well… At least it looks like his team is getting a demolition expert out of this?_

He shudders. Then taps Iruka’s arm for attention. _‘Make Himuka the best. And all explosion tags of all kinds must stay away from sensei’s mother.’_

Iruka gives him a surprised look. “Why?”

_‘Aai is deaf. Not call for help well if needed.’_

The chunin rolls his eyes. “I know better than that. I mean why do you want her to be the best?”

Kowashi gives him the look that deserves. _‘Team only as strong as weakest. Himuka needs s-p-e-c-i-a-l-i-z-a-t-i-o-n. Itachi is ninjutsu, genjutsu. I am taijutsu, ninjutsu. Himuka not found place y-e-t.’_

Himuka huffs, and complains, “I only understood like five words of that, and three of those were my name and Itachi’s.”

“He said you need a specialization, and wants Iruka-san to teach you enough about explosive tags to be the team expert.” Itachi explains.

“Huh. Okay! Sounds like fun!”

_Well, he’ll give her the enthusiastic cheer bit, even if it makes him tired just to watch. Come to think of it, wasn’t the protagonist supposed to be stupidly cheerful like this too?_

_… Yeah, he’s pretty sure that was the whole point of the bit of the manga he actually read. …_

_Okay, new plan to add to the list: He’s avoiding Naruto as much as possible. He doesn’t want to find out if a double dose of stupid cheer makes it virulently contagious or not._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kowashi Suzuki- Pale skyblue blue hair, dark viridian eyes.  
> Itachi Uchiha- Black hair, black eyes (red and black when using sharingan).  
> Himuka Suzukaze- Long, slightly wavy light green hair pulled back in a low ponytail, her hair frizzes into uncontrollable curls when it gets wet or there’s too high of humidity. Dark blue eyes.  
> Aai Akamichi- Dark red hair, dark eyes.  
> Housei Akamichi- Dark red hair, dark eyes.
> 
> Sorry, you’ll have to wait a couple chapters to find out what he reads in that book. Just know that his reaction is more or less, _‘You are fucking **kidding** me. I am SO screwed if this is true.’_ He doesn’t know if it’s true or not, though.
> 
> Kowashi’s warning to Shikaku is mostly ad-libbing RPG and manga ‘knowledge’ of ‘hidden villains’, which he judges Shimura to be. And he mostly tosses it out there because he dislikes the attitude Shikaku is implying towards the Uchiha there. Remember, he actually has no clue why Itachi canonically killed the clan. He’s extrapolating from what he knows from the nameless Root member and what he knows of modern disinformation campaigns as a propaganda tool.  
> Humans have a predictable weakness in that they’re willing to believe negatives, and if they put someone at a ‘less than equal’ or ‘too dangerous’ status, they tend to feel little to no guilt killing or doing unspeakable things to them. Don’t believe me? How do you think Hitler got the Jews persecuted? Playing on prejudices, yup. Apparently it didn’t matter that he was part Jewish himself. Anyways. Social ‘survival’ behavior that ends up being inhumane to horrifying degrees. You can see it repeatedly throughout history in every part of the world.  
> Obviously a Jounin Commander needs to be able to look past social attitudes to spot issues, so Shikaku _gets_ what Kowashi is saying. But Kowashi kind of pissed him off with the ‘blood on your hands’ line and blatant attempt at manipulation.
> 
>  **Sign names used to date:**  
>  Itachi: I+peace  
> Himuka: Sun+smile  
> Aai (means: Indigo sky) : Sky+dark  
> Kowashi: Sweet+blue  
> Kakashi: Stupid+lightning  
> Anko: Dango+killer  
> Jiraiya: Super+perv  
> Hiruzen: Hat+man  
> Yūki sensei: (deceased) Petty+sensei  
> Daisuke sensei: No+heart+sensei  
> Yōji Aburame: Bug+boy ( _But since this could apply to any Aburame male under a certain age, it’s more of a name to use when he’s the only Aburame in question, rather than a personalized sign name._ )  
> Danzo: Bandage+councilor  
> Shikaku Nara: Smart+shadow


	4. Schadenfreude, Scoldings, and Positive thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi gets therapy, etc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter is coherent. I do not feel coherent, and haven't really for about a week now.

Itachi isn’t sure where he is being dragged, or why, but he knows Kowashi _usually_ has a good reason for the seemingly inexplicable things he does. It is not until he sees the sign on the last door he is towed through that he understands. _Midori Kobayashi, Mental Health Specialist._ Kowashi is making him see a therapist.

He knows, technically, ninjas are encouraged to speak with therapists these days, but his clan is adamant that therapy is for lesser clans, not such as the Uchiha. So he may, just a little, dig in his feet at that point. To no avail. Kowashi is enough bigger than him that he’d have to actively resist to stop him cold over a few mere feet when already moving. Manfully, he hides the scowl that wants to take over his expression.

Kowashi explains in careful sign that Itachi had seen their sensei die and had thought him dead and he needs to talk about it but doesn’t want to see a Yamanaka _(and how exactly does he know that?),_ and Itachi has the surprising revelation that this therapist is a civilian with a license rated for seeing shinobi. _A civilian! His clan would have a collective heart attack at the notion of the Clan heir needing to speak of trauma to a civilian._ Oddly, he’s fairly sure that Kowashi is aware of this and has deemed it necessary despite that or possible because of that.

Itachi is glad for his fast reflexes, though, because it allows him to snag Kowashi’s shirt firmly before he can leave him alone with the civilian woman. “I want him to stay.” He announces to the civilian.

She allows a small smile to curl her lips. “That’s acceptable. The goal of therapy is to help you find coping methods to help you function more easily. If having your teammate along is one of your coping methods, that’s a good start. It’s one of the reasons Konoha is so adamant about having teams of three to begin with. As it happens, I do have a free session at the moment, so if one of you would like to shut the door?”

Kowashi huffs, obviously unhappy about being included in the therapy, but reaches out and shoves the door shut, shoulders slumping a little.

Itachi smirks inwardly, feeling better about the whole thing now that his teammate has to suffer along with him.

~

Kowashi, because Kowashi occasionally mixes up his left and his right, promptly blows himself up on his first try at making an explosive tag. Fortunately, he also added a random curl on accident, and the tag merely blows soot and sputtery sparks all over him. Which, _ouch,_ but much more survivable than otherwise.

Himuka promptly laughs herself silly, until Iruka hurriedly grabs _her_ and drags her away from the tag she’s working on, just in time for it to blow itself sky high. And promptly starts scolding her loudly for getting distracted while working on a seal _(as if he hadn’t been snickering at Kowashi too)_.

He doesn’t even _want_ to know how she managed that, but apparently she has an unsuspected affinity with explosives.

Itachi, naturally, ignores them all and a few minutes later presents Iruka with a painstakingly accurate copy of an explosives tag.

Iruka is very impressed.

Or at least he is until Kowashi quits staring narrow-eyed at Itachi, then stalks over and flicks his nose and proceeds to scold him for using his copy-wheel eyes. Kowashi doesn’t really know much about the sharingan, of course, but he does know it acts something like a battle sense in slowing things down so the person can notice everything and react in time, he does know it’s related to severe trauma, and he does know it sucks massive amounts of chakra _if his vague memories of the Naruto manga and Kakashi collapsing after using it are correct_. All in all, he figures that putting oneself deliberately into a battle state that’s only achieved through trauma and uses up far too much chakra for the benefits _can’t_ be healthy for a growing kid _(and probably not adults, either)_.

Itachi, of course, has been raised by his clan, _which seems to have the odd notion of it being the best thing ever to achieve,_ and doesn’t really agree with him, so the scolding takes some convincing. Finally Kowashi resorts to promising that every time Itachi uses it unnecessarily, he will drag Itachi in for an extra therapy appointment. This, apparently, is enough to make Itachi uneasy enough to waver in his stance, and Kowashi goes in for the kill by promising that he’ll _also_ drag him in for a physical checkup after every use, too. Even if it makes him feel like he’s kicking a puppy by using the age old fear of having to see the doctor against a kid, the threat works, and that’s all he cares about.

Himuka is frowning at them. “Did you just threaten Itachi with the dentist if he used his sharingan to learn seals?”

Kowashi turns and blinks at her, then shakes his head. _‘D-o-c-t-o-r not d-e-n-t-i-s-t. Good on catching the rest, though.’_

“I didn’t catch that last word.” She admits.

 _‘T-h-o-u-g-h.’_ Kowashi signs, not upset.  She’s been picking up terms faster than he expected, to be quite honest.

“Oh. Um, thanks. But why would Itachi not want to see a doctor? Doctors aren’t scary.”

He stares at her and then turns to Itachi.

Itachi translates in a slightly stiff tone. “He says, _‘Then you are braver than most jounin. Most ninjas are terrified of medics.’_ ”

“They are? Why?”

Kowashi rolls his eyes and proceeds to ignore her in favor of asking Iruka where he went wrong with the seal. He also ignores the mild glare Itachi gives him for putting the onus of explaining to Himuka why most ninjas avoid medics unless they can’t avoid seeing one. _What? It’s not like **he** has a good explanation for why people instinctively fear people who come at you with needles, lollipops, and smiles while assuring you that it won’t hurt._

Iruka quickly spots the reversed section and the random curl, but it takes him several times of watching Kowashi try again before he realizes that Kowashi’s tags are activating _without_ him adding any chakra to them. It turns out that Iruka is _very, very_ impressed that Kowashi’s random curl manages to turn the tags into duds rather than blowing him sky high.

Or so Kowashi concludes from the very loud rant that ensues. Even covering his ears doesn’t help. He’s not sure he’ll ever remember right from left _every_ time, but he’s relatively sure he’ll never forget to _not_ start off his initial stroke with a faint trailing line leaving the tag open to gathering nature chakra again. Not unless he’s planning to kawarimi within a couple seconds of finishing said tag with someone he wants to kill _very_ thoroughly. Or maybe… _*Can slow down n-a-t-u-r-e chakra gathering? For trap?*_

Iruka breaks off mid-word to stare at him, then grins wickedly.  “Of course. And I’ll be sure to show Himuka how. But for now, practice _not_ doing it on accident.”

_Well, okay, he deserves that._

It’s a couple hours later when Hosei sensei wanders over to observe and finally points out, “Kowashi never mixes up east and west. So why don’t you try telling him east and west instead of left and right?”

Kowashi facepalms.

_He should have thought of that himself._

~

Itachi scowls at Kowashi, because really? “The sharingan is perfect for genjutsu.”

_‘Lazy shortcut. Many ninjas do genjutsu well without sharingan. Just think, how much more terrifying your sharingan genjutsus will be if you master genjutsu without using it? Sharingan waste of chakra outside of emergencies. You have most chakra of entire team. What happen if you run out?’_

Okay, he can admit Kowashi has a point. Several points, in fact. _Still…_ “My clan will expect me to master the sharingan, you know.”

_‘Which more important? Clan e-g-o or being able to take enemy off guard? Severe chakra drain bad for growing child, yes? Copy wheel eyes use much chakra. Is bad. Wait until older to m-a-s-t-e-r. Prove to clan not need use yet for genjutsu. Clan cannot live life for.’_

He frowns, because he’s _never_ had anyone say anything like that to him before. The clan always expects him to live up to their expectations. “How am I supposed to prove that to them?”

Kowashi looks blank for a moment, which probably means he hadn’t considered that yet. _‘If f-o-o-l clan with genjutsu, then not able to say i-n-a-d-e-q-u-a-t-e at it?’_

Itachi contemplates the boring clan meetings that his father has been dragging him to lately as if to share the misery. “That’s a good idea.”

_‘It is?’_

He smiles a little. “Yes. My tou-san will be willing to help us practice.”

_‘Us? Wait. Why us?’_

“Well, if I can make them not notice you, then I’ve got a good argument, right?”

Kowashi’s dramatic sigh widens his smile. _If Kowashi is going to make his life more complicated, the least he can do is share the favor._

~

Himuka _knows_ she’s good, but she also knows she’s nowhere near as good as her teammates. Itachi is amazing, better than some chunin for all that he’s a genin still and younger than her. She figures it’s probably to be expected, since he’s the heir of a noble shinobi clan with one of the most famous dojutsus in history and a genius to boot, but he’s still amazing enough that she had started calling him ‘master’ out of respect until Kowashi told her to stop because Itachi needs friends and teammates, not more followers or expectations on his young shoulders.

_She had, because the last thing she wants to be is a burden to her teammates instead of an asset._

In some ways, Kowashi is _more_ amazing to her. Not only can he pretty much keep up with Itachi on a physical level _(as long as he forgets to pretend he can’t)_ , but despite being mute he manages to convey all sorts of things with seeming ease, to boss Itachi around, and to be considerate of her meager knowledge of sign when it has to be irritating and frustrating. He can even get Itachi to talk _for_ him, which is pretty funny given that Itachi would rather be silent unless he has to speak up, even at the best of times.

_And it’s the cutest thing ever to see Itachi blissing out over dango. Most of the time, one could mistake the kid for an old man by his attitudes, but dango and Kowashi tend to make it clear just how much of a dork the Uchiha heir is, and how young._

She’s not stupid. There’s definitely some secrets between the two, which they have no intention of ever sharing. But that’s none of her business as long as it doesn’t affect their teamwork and missions. Himuka’s well aware that she and Hosei sensei are actually the pair’s _third_ team, and their first sensei had died on a mission that had nearly killed them both. They don’t tell her to be quiet or act like she’s stupid, or like being a girl makes her weak. And they’re both very patient at explaining things to her that Hosei sensei hasn’t yet or when there’s something she’s not getting for whatever reason. Neither of them seem to mind at all that she’s behind them in experience and skill.

That’s a lot more than most kunoichi can expect from their genin teammates. It’s obvious that they have every expectation that she’s capable of improving to be their equal, and they praise her efforts _(when it occurs to them, which, okay, isn’t more than a couple times a week, but still)._

But honestly, Himuka sort of feels that they’d do that for any half-way competent teammate, so it doesn’t really make her feel special or anything, just lucky and determined to prove them right. She definitely hadn’t expected Kowashi’s mandatory sealing lessons _(who in the world **accidentally** almost makes seals?)_ to turn into a team activity, much less for Kowashi to declare that Iruka sensei should make her the team demolitions expert.

See, Himuka actually DOES have an affinity for blowing things up. She’s just a little shocked that Kowashi and _(by extension)_ Itachi have paid enough attention to her personal skills to know _that_ without ever having seen proof or being told. It _could_ be coincidence, of course, but she’s not actually convinced of that and probably never will be. And even if it _is_ , it doesn’t make her feel less appreciated.

They’re making a place for her on the team that will be essential, which means they want to _keep_ her, not just go their separate ways once they make chunin.

Of course, Hosei sensei is the _most_ amazing, because he’s a jounin and agreed to be pulled off of active duty just so he could teach their team. And he teaches them how to make fantastic food in between teaching them jutsus, improving their fighting styles and pointing out ways they can work together more efficiently and help each other. She really likes how he’s convinced that they’ll all be jounin before they turn 16. _Though it’s really unfair that one has to be an Akamichi to use those size changing jutsus, because those are the coolest jutsus ever! Even Itachi and Kowashi admit it’s cool!_

“Himuka, what _exactly_ are you attempting to do with this tag? Blow up the entirety of Konoha?” Iruka interrupts her thoughts in a forbidding tone.

She looks down at her practice tag and her eyes widen before she winces. “Er… Get a really big bang? I mean…it could be good for taking out a lot of enemies at once, right?”

Iruka sensei looks like he regrets his entire life, then looks thoughtful. “I’d better teach you barriers, too, then. You definitely don’t want your team anywhere near this going off without a solid barrier between it and you. There wouldn’t be anything left to bury.”

_Ahaha haha ha. She’s definitely not telling him she’d meant to make a smoke tag. His yelling is painful because he’s never **wrong** about what he’s ranting about. At least when it comes to seals. And this mistake probably deserves a rant longer than that one Kowashi got about including nature chakra in his tags accidentally._

Himuka plasters a smile on her face and nods emphatically, “Yes, please, Iruka sensei. I _really_ want to learn barriers, too!”

Fortunately, Iruka buys it. Though by the faintly amused sideways glances she gets, none of her team does. Well, she can deal with the teasing later, as long as they don’t tattle to Iruka sensei and get her in trouble.

_And as a plus, barriers! That’s even more specialized knowledge than demolition tags!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Possibly later.


	5. Of Dog Barns and Ants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. In which Kakashi plays mind games, Kowashi has multiple near death experiences, and Team 2 gains a healthy paranoia of explosions+Himuka. Also, dogs. And apartments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited. Feel free to point out typos or derps.

Kakashi figures it out a couple weeks later, when he’s trailing Anko around a bit morosely while she shops because she threatened to poison all of his Icha Icha collection if he didn’t shape up and act like a real boyfriend at least for the duration of his loss. He sees Team 2 exiting the dango shop, and the two boys give him and Anko a wide-eyed double-take. Then Itachi glances at Kowashi and starts snickering softly. Kowashi huffs and spreads his hands, then joins Itachi in soundless snickering.

Because he may be socially stupid but he’s not _stupid_ , it takes him all of about three seconds to figure out that one of the boys must have been behind Anko’s actions, and that one must be Kowashi, because it was decidedly unlike Itachi to meddle and Kowashi’s one of the weirdest kids he’s ever met. _And he was in the same team as Obito, tyvm._ He might not _get_ regular kids, but he definitely knows the difference between a normal one and a weird one.

_Just his luck that Anko had chosen to run with Kowashi’s idea. He’ll have to come up with an appropriate payback._

He smiles when Kowashi notes his expression and flinches visibly, and smiles wider when his smile makes Kowashi pale.

Kakashi flinches himself when Anko suddenly spots Team 2 and yells at Guy-volume, “Oh, hey! It’s Itachi and little Sweet Blue!”

Not that he _minds_ the yelling, per se, just… He suffers him to be dragged along at an increased speed towards the dango shop, noting in amusement that Kowashi pales further and manages to put Himuka and Itachi half-way between himself and Anko by way of stepping behind Itachi and tugging the surprised looking girl over in front of him. It’s definitely Anko, not Kakashi he’s hiding from, because the girl looks askance at the boys and Itachi replies just loud enough for his superior hearing to catch the last bit, which is, “…breasts.”

Which really makes no sense at all until Anko happily dives between Kowashi’s teammates and gives him a smothering hug, ignoring his flailing. _Oh. Breasts. Kowashi is short. He can see how that could be a problem around an enthusiastic Anko._ And Anko is always enthusiastic. Even her gloom is enthusiastic.

“Maa, maa, Anko. Maybe he deserves it, but killing your fellow shinobi in public is frowned on, you know.” He does _not_ giggle manically when Kowashi gives him a grateful look when Anko huffs in annoyance and releases him from the hug of death. _Nope._ Not that he’s particularly worried about the boy being smothered to death. It’s quite likely he’d just come back to life and be sulky about it, but it’s fun to mess with both him and Anko. _Why, it’s like a 2-for-1 sale!_

~

Let it be said that Kowashi is _not_ less terrified of Kakashi’s imminent revenge than he is of death-by-Anko’s-breasts. Itachi has filled him in on the man’s reputation, and there’s some other things he knows from the Root records, and he’s well aware that the man is a genius and determinedly creative when he has a goal. So _no_ , it’s not that he’s less terrified. It’s just that he’s _fairly_ sure that Anko likes him enough to punish Kakashi if she finds out that the man did something terrible to him, so he’s _also_ fairly sure that Kakashi will keep his revenge to only mildly life threatening in interests of his own domestic peace.

 _Fairly sure._ As in he will choose to believe so until proven otherwise.

 _Anko’s breasts however…_ Well, he’s going to have to ask Housei sensei if there’s a jutsu for breathing when there’s no air. _Cuz honestly!_ He’s really not cool with the idea of smothering to death. Even if there’s a probability of coming back after. Okay, maybe _especially_ because there’s a probability of coming back. That would make for a horrible memory.

First, though, he and the rest of the team _are_ going to master these reusable barrier seals and add them to every article of clothing they own, because he narrowly missed losing his eyebrows to Himuka’s latest explosive tag, Himuka _did_ lose half an eyebrow and a good chunk of hair on either side of her face, Iruka lost a chunk out of his ponytail rescuing her, Itachi had to get a trim because one side of his long hair got singed, and Housei sensei had to shave his smoldering beard.

_None of them want a repeat of that close call!_

Himuka has apparently picked up the habit of idly sketching explosive tags without much thought to what she’s doing, and… yeah. No one wants a repeat. Iruka sensei is busy adding barrier seals to the interior of Housei sensei’s house, and has already added them to the clothes that Aai wears most often. _Fortunately,_ Aai had been at the stove, far from the table when Himuka’s explosion had gone off, but the ceiling and table had not been so lucky. Housei sensei had called in some guy with plant chakra powers to regrow the ceiling and replace the table already. _As if that’s not weird as fuck?_ But at least it meant the ceiling was fixed and there was a table to eat at, again.

Kowashi’s paranoia about Himuka+explosive tags however? _Expanded exponentially._

He hadn’t even scolded Itachi for using his sharingan to copy the seal this time. _It was deserved._ Besides, Itachi may have mastered it and explosion-proofed his clothes already, but apparently his clan’s love affair with fire jutsus meant that Itachi was busily applying the seal to every building in his clan’s district. _More power to him._ Although, he suspected that once the women figured out that Itachi could do that, he’d be set to work fireproofing kitchens whether he liked it or not. _Not his problem, though. Itachi can bear that cross allll on his own._

~

The look on Kowashi’s face, as he slowly and deliberately paints the anti-explosion shield seals on every article of clothing he owns, is a bit frightening. And the one on Housei sensei’s face as he does the same for his own, much larger wardrobe isn’t much better. Himuka winces and goes back to painting the seals on her own clothes. The only reason _Itachi_ and _Iruka sensei_ aren’t here doing the same is because _Itachi_ had promptly sharingan-ed the seal as soon as _Iruka sensei_ had finished working it out and copied it out with scary precision on several sets of clothing, before declaring he’d do the rest later, and had taken himself off to fireproof the Uchiha compound. While _Iruka sensei_ had also done several sets and declared he’d finish later, in favor of fireproofing Housei sensei’s house and mother.

All in all, Himuka is _fervently_ glad that Aai baachan was out of range of the impromptu explosion, because she’s pretty sure Kowashi would have murdered her on the spot if the sweet, deaf woman had been injured. Well, okay, injured more than the few flying splinters that had hit her had done. One would think Aai was _his_ mother, not Housei sensei’s, just going off of their initial reactions.

“What are you trying to do? Turn yourself into a walking explosive tag? Because one more stroke and that’s exactly what’s going to happen.” Iruka sensei says dryly from above her, startling her.

Himuka glances down and realizes that she’s just destroyed her favorite dress as a wearable item by way of painting most of the wrong seal entirely. Defiantly, she finishes the seal and then tosses the dress to him. “Here, go blow someone up with it. See if I care.”

Iruka sensei rolls his eyes, tosses the dress over his shoulder, and hauls her to her feet. “Alright kid, you’re done for the day. Let’s get some food in you before you destroy Konoha on purpose instead of by accident, okay?”

_Food sounds lovely!_

“Yes, Iruka sensei.” She says meekly.

~

Kowashi is not _terrified_ of dogs. Nope, nope. He is not _phobic._ Not at all. He’s just a teensy bit _nervous_ around them. Yup. _That_ is why he’s stiff-leggedly digging in his heels as Kakashi relentlessly drags him through an _entire barn full of dogs_ , asking if he likes that one, or thinks this one is cute. And, okay, he knows the Inuzuka dogs are human smart and unlikely to bite him with those _massive teeth_ unless he does something really, really stupid like kick them or tell them they’re fugly, but _they are not cute!_ And _no,_ he does _not like them._

He thinks he’s changed his mind about Anko’s breasts being scarier than Kakashi’s revenge, because _this is torture._

Kakashi finally drags him to the end of the last row, to where a beautiful, butch-looking woman is watching them curiously.

“Are you afraid of dogs, pup?” She asks him.

He nods.

She snorts. “I didn’t peg you for cruel, Kakashi.”

“But, dogs…” Kakashi sounds plaintive.

“Don’t bring people here who are scared of dogs. Now get the pup out of here.”

Kakashi droops and drags him outside, before shunshinning away.

 _Wtf?_ Kowashi stares after the man, puzzled by his reaction. Did the Inuzuka woman’s opinion mean that much to him? But well. He hopes this is the last of the revenge, because he doesn’t think he can take _another_ one of the same caliber.

He most certainly does not _panic_ and shunshin out of there like a bat out of hell when a puppy tumbles against his ankle. Kowashi is just respecting the Inuzuka’s wish to have him gone. _That’s it!_ Really. He absolutely _isn’t_ petrified by a yappy ball of fluff.

~

Kowashi yelps as Kakashi appears out of nowhere, snags him by the back of his shirt, and takes off, ignoring his flailing and annoyed accusations of *Stupid lightning! Stupid, stupid, stupid!*

_Apparently scaring him half to death by dogs wasn’t good enough and he’s back for a second round._

“Maa, maa, quit calling me stupid, little sweet blue.” Kakashi finally says, depositing him inside an apartment that is…small, but twice as big and five times as nice as the one Kowashi rents. It also happens to contain all of Kowashi’s belongings. Which… _what?_

 *Cannot afford this.* He finally protests after a long moment of processing the fact that _his belongings are here._

“No need. It’s paid up for the next year. And the owner will lower the rent for you on months you help out or do favors for him, so you should be able to afford it after that.”

Kowashi gapes at him, then finally asks, *Why?*

Kakashi shrugs and rubs the back of his neck, looking embarrassed. “Saa… I’ve got a sexy girlfriend because of you, and you’ve been living in an apartment that’s more cockroaches than walls, and you have to ask ‘why’? I figured it was the least I could do, since you don’t like dogs. Now you can invite your team over without them worrying that your apartment will eat you in the middle of the night.”

He splutters, because _really?_ *My apartment doesn’t have cockroaches!*

The white haired _moron_ looks around pointedly. “You’re right. It doesn’t. Well, see you! I’ve got a girlfriend to get back to!”

And then he’s just _gone_ , leaving a couple forlorn leaves floating to the floor and Kowashi still spluttering in indignation. _His apartment,_ ok, former apartment, _does not have cockroaches!_ It has a bunch of teeny red and black ants that are addicted to eating soap for some reason, and are just as happy to leave his dingy shower alone as long he leaves offerings of soap slivers near their main entrances! That’s all! And sure, they bite if disturbed, but it’s not like they’re going to _eat him alive!_ It’s not like the tiny bugs are _Army ants!_

Then he blinks, looking around again.

Wait.

…Does this mean the dog barn thing was Kakashi trying to be nice? He knows Kakashi has an entire _pack_ of ninken. Had he been trying to _get Kowashi a dog?_

That’s…sweet. _In a really, really awkward way._

But why?

No, wait. Kakashi had told him why.

_Huh. Apparently he’s **not** upset about having Anko as a girlfriend._

Kowashi takes a minute to think about that, but in the end gives up, unable to decide if it’s because she’s _loud_ , if it’s the boobs, if Kakashi’s a bit masochistic, or if it’s some weird combination of the three. _Whatever. Not his kink, not his problem._

Now… if he could just grow five inches overnight and avoid future smotherings… He sighs deeply at the sheer improbability of that. _A man’s gotta have dreams, right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna say… “Sorry, Kowashi. I like dogs.”


	6. Not Expected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things do not go as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Kowashi has not become prophetic. His life knowledge as ‘Ethan’ of how many ways a story can go spectacularly wrong for the prominent characters in it has simply popped up to present him with a vivid nightmare, complete with B movie tension and adventure movie sense of drama.  
> Why? This is called: _the author finally got the muse talking, then realized that the kids were meant to grow up a bit more before she did anything about Danzo, but was annoyed at the thought of deleting it, and so, fiddled around with it until it made a viable nightmare to inflict on Kowashi._
> 
> Mizuki shows up early enough in canon that Kowashi _should_ remember him, but he really doesn’t, beyond a super-vague thought that he should. That said, he neither likes nor trusts Mizuki. He just doesn’t consider him his problem, since he, quite rightly, doesn’t expect to have to interact with him much despite meeting him. Mizuki is about the same age as Kakashi and Gai, several years older than Iruka, canonically.
> 
> I may have missed adding a few notes. Questions are welcome.

_Kowashi had **no freaking clue** what had happened, but apparently Shikaku Nara was in jail, Housei sensei was seething, and-_

He wakes up abruptly, panting.

_Okay then, that was one hell of a nightmare._

He scrubs his hands across his face and sighs deeply. It’s been a while since he’s dreamed like that; probably triggered by the sudden switch of apartments. At least nightmares here are no weirder than the ones in his original world, so he guesses that’s something.

Although… Now that he’s a little bit awake, the dream really wasn’t _bad_ , per se, just drowned in an overwhelming feeling of doom. _Great, just great. He hates dreams like that. They have a tendency to hang around and bother him while awake for two or three days before relenting._

~

“Kowashi, look! See what I- Kowashi, wow. Are you okay? You’re all pale.”

He blinks at Himuka. He must look hungover or something from the bad dream. *I am okay. Just had a nightmare.*

“Night…horse?” She asks in an unsure tone, openly puzzled.

His brain stalls for a moment before he remembers. *A baku visited my dreams.*

“Ohh! That sucks. Are you okay?”

 _Not really_. *Yes.*

Kowashi blinks at the object held suddenly in front of his nose, and belatedly realizes it’s a stick of dango. Being offered to him by Itachi. _Oh. He must look really bad if Itachi is willing to part with dango to help him feel better._

 *Thanks.*

Dango isn’t his favorite food, quite honestly. It reminds him of baked beans, but as if someone drained them, smooshed them up, wrapped the result in sticky rice goo to create dumplings, and stuck them on a skewer and slathered more smooshed beans on top. The _taste_ isn’t bad, but the texture… Well, if most of his dango end up in Itachi’s stomach regularly, it suits both of them well enough. He doesn’t dislike it enough to turn it down when offered as comfort food, though.

“Hn.” Is the entirety of Itachi’s reply, but he looks more than a little smug, _for a given value of Itachi expression,_ that his offering has been accepted.

Curious, Kowashi pauses to look at the dango a bit closer, because Itachi normally just looks mournful at parting with a dango unless he made it himself. Which generally meant he’d managed to figure out some way to tweak it for a smoother or softer texture, or to make it sweeter, or just improved his skill at making them look professional and wanted someone to notice and share his excitement over it. _Or at least comment on it._

He snorts as he spies the delicately incised mini Konoha leaf symbols in the thick anko paste on top, smiling involuntarily and rolling his eyes at Itachi, who looks even more pleased with himself at the reaction.

_Well, he deserves to be._

Kowashi certainly couldn’t manage food art nearly so easily or tidily, and Itachi probably added it on spur of the moment just to cheer him up.

~

Itachi looks around the small and rather nice apartment suspiciously. There is a telling lack of clutter, that speaks of simply not enough belongings to fill the space and Kowashi has a faint pout on his face as he moves around the apartment. It’s a large improvement over the previous, tiny ant-infested apartment, but he’s fairly certain that moving was in no way Kowashi’s idea. Kowashi had been _proud_ of his previous excuse for a living space, enough so that Itachi had caught him making fond faces as he put down slivers of soap to feed his resident ant battalions a number of times.

He knows Kowashi’s pride in it was due to it being paid for with his own earnings, not something most genin could claim. Thus his current sulkiness _probably_ has to do with not having paid for it himself. Kowashi is…well, _proud_ about some things. And he definitely looks uncomfortable here. No wonder he’d had a bad dream.

Well…he could probably do something about that. With a judicious amount of help, of course.

“Kowashi, don’t you have money for furniture?”

His teammate frowns at him, then looks like he’s calculating in his head. *I do. Although not sure what to buy. Not really _need_ more, so-*

“Himuka. Kowashi would like our help picking out furniture.” Itachi interrupts blandly.

“We’ll get him some kitchenware while we’re at it.” Housei sensei says, coming out of the kitchen.

“Really!? That’s great! I know all the best places to find furniture and stuff at good prices! Um. I mean, if you actually want my help, Kowashi?”

_Itachi makes a mental note that their female teammate has begun to pick up on the fact that they sometimes interpret what the other says according to their own purposes rather than conveying what is actually said._

 *I…* Kowashi shoots Itachi a look that promises revenge. *Yes, of course. I would not know where to begin.*

~

Hours later, Kowashi is in possession of possibly the plushest sofa ever, complete with years of scuffs and a few neatly mended tears that look suspiciously like weapons inflicted them, and he really doesn’t want to know how Himuka knew to talk that shady old tea shop owner into selling it. He’s also in possession of so much extremely high quality, second hand cooking gear that he doubts that even Housei sensei will be able to fit it all into his kitchen, although sensei is certainly busy _trying_. Kowashi is also the bewildered new owner of far too many blankets, an area rug so large that the edges stick up half a foot where it meets the walls on two sides of the living room, random articles of clothing that he doesn’t remember even _looking_ at but which seem to be in his size and fit his general preferences despite that, and several items of décor which he _does_ remember choosing at Himuka’s insistence that he pick some out.

_And broke. He is very broke._

Despite the sharp discount on the sofa and area rug, despite the mysteriously appearing clothing items that he definitely did not pay for, despite the fact that the kitchenware is almost entirely donations from various Akamichi clan members who were more than happy to find a home for items that had been gathering dust since being replaced with newer versions _Kowashi is definitely broke_. Mostly it’s the blankets and the décor items. The prices had made him cringe, even with offered discounts, and the bargains his teammates and sensei had managed to negotiate for him.

He’s pretty sure he may owe Itachi over a month’s worth of mission pay, to boot. _At least he won’t starve to death before his finances recover, since he generally eats meals with his team._

A sound at the door makes him turn, and he blinks to see Kakashi with his arms full of groceries and a snake slung around his neck _(What?)_ entering with Anko following with a stack of what appears to be dango boxes. Following _her_ is a tall, sturdy man with still-livid slashes of scars across his face who is probably bald under the hitai-ate’s cloth, and he _thinks_ is probably the head of T&I, with another stack of dango boxes in one arm, and more groceries in the other. His expression is a bland combination of resignation and quiet curiosity. Behind _him_ is another tall, sturdy guy dressed in green and with black hair, which is all Kowashi can see of him behind the tall stack of larger boxes he’s carrying. And behind _that guy_ there’s Iruka and some unfamiliar bluish-white-haired guy who…Kowashi’s eyes narrow. He doesn’t _recognize_ the guy, but he feels a bit familiar for some reason, probably not a good reason… He makes a mental note not to trust the guy’s soft smile even an inch.

 _Holy crap! He’s being invaded!_ Kowashi blinks and realizes that this is probably Anko’s fault somehow. He’d blame it on Kakashi, but quite honestly stupid lightning looks a bit sulky. And mass invasions don’t really seem to be Kakashi’s style.

 *What are you doing here, dango-killer?*

Anko beams at him. “I’m so glad you asked, little sweet blue! Obviously we’re having a moving in party for you! I brought the dango! Oh, and the groceries are Kakashi’s contribution. Don’t let him fool you, he’s as much a health nut as Gai is.”

 *Who?* He asks in confusion, as the guy in green abruptly sets the boxes in a neat stack next to the bedroom door.

“Oh? You haven’t met Gai yet? Gai Maito, Kakashi’s _‘Eternal Rival’_. He’s the one in green there. And the grumpy guy is my boss, Ibiki Morino. Oh, and that’s Iruka’s friend, Mizuki. None of them have sign names yet, so you can come up with your own for them.” By the look of glee on her face, she’s obviously hoping he’ll come up with something weird for them that she can tease them with.

 *I hope at least three of those dango boxes are for Itachi.* He informs her.

“Three! I-” She looks at Itachi and catches the entranced stare focused on the dango boxes, and sighs. “Fine. For a fellow dango lover, I can spare a couple extra boxes. But the rest of you only get one box each!”

 _Yeah, whatever. Like he cares?_ Itachi will probably eat most of his anyways. It’s a good thing Anko and Itachi aren’t on the same team, however. He can see that going badly. Like _hospitalizing-each-other-over-who-gets-the-last-dango_ bad.

 *What’s up with stupid lightning’s snake necklace?*

Anko grins. “Just a precaution. He has this little problem with mixing up windows and doors, and I figured you’d rather have us all come in through the door this time.”

“‘Little problem’. Look who’s talking.” Ibiki mutters, not quite under his breath. “Don’t you still owe Kurenai for the last window you broke?”

“Of course not.” Anko says airily. “She sold the debt to Iruka and I paid him off with my next mission pay.”

“She even paid off the interest.” Iruka remarks in agreement, his voice a bit suspiciously sweet.

His friend gives them a benevolent smile and clarifies unnecessarily. “Iruka’s a prankster, you know. It’s best to not give him reasons to get all creative about it.”

 _Why is Iruka sensei friends with this guy?_ Kind tone or not, that was definitely a jibe. And not at Anko.

“Yosh! Iruka-kun is most Youthful in his profound understanding of the art of pranks!”

Kowashi jerks around and stares at Gai in mild horror. _This is another one of those wearisomely loud and positive people, isn’t it? It **better** not be contagious, or he’ll have to… Well, something. Maybe ask Iruka for a selective hearing seal, or invent one._

~

“I disagree.” Itachi objects politely, although no one has asked _him_. “I believe my skill with genjutsu is sufficient without resorting to using the crutch of the sharingan. As well, it has been pointed out to me that the use of the sharingan uses a vast amount of chakra and no one has done sufficient research to know whether or not frequent use of it at a young age can damage chakra coils or not. Since I do not plan to limit my future in such a manner, I do not consider it wise to test out such a probability and will not be using it beyond the occasional necessity until my chakra coils have finished maturing.”

_Granted, it’s unlikely he’ll use it any more often even then, because it’s highly unlikely Kowashi will let up on the nagging. The other boy is so fussy over others’ health for someone who’s effectively immortal. Although Kowashi would argue with him on that, claiming that he’s still aging, so he’ll die of old age like anyone lucky to live that long._

“‘Crutch’!” The elder splutters indignantly. “And mind your tongue. You may be the hope of this clan, but you’re still a child. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Saa… I think I have to agree with Itachi on this. He’s definitely _adequate_ at genjutsu without the use of his sharingan.” His father drawls in a slightly exasperated tone.

_The drawl should be enough to tip them off that they’re missing something obvious and irrefutable to the point that even his hot-blooded father can’t believe they’re missing it._

“Fugaku-sama, your son may be a genius, but I hardly think-”

“I can offer proof if you like.” Itachi offers in a polite tone.

His father pinches his nose and sighs. “You already _have_ your proof. Which you would know if you would use your _eyes._ ”

This is met with generalized baffled irritation, but there is a flash of sharingan from one elder sitting along the wall, so brief that no one else notices the tiny, extremely localized flux of chakra.

 *Wow. Do they always act like this?*

Itachi can’t quite hide his smirk, and he gives Kowashi only the tiniest of nods, so as to not totally give away the game to the elders, who are _still_ muttering in puzzlement and eyeing him and his father as if doubting their sanity.

 *You definitely deserve dango for having to put up with these assholes. What a bunch of senile codgers. Can’t even see the obvious.*

“I am _not_ senile, you blue haired brat!” Elder Katsu bellows, startling them all.

_Great. Just the person they could’ve hoped to have **not** seen through the genjutsu._

Kowashi wrinkles his nose. *Are you sure you’re not senile? I’ve been here since before you came in and you just now noticed me, _after_ being told.*

Katsu growls and _holy shit, apparently Shisui and Itachi aren’t the only ones particularly skilled at shunshin in the clan._ He dangles Kowashi off the floor by the front of his shirt, effectively breaking the genjutsu for everyone else, since it’s an area genjutsu that mostly relies on no one _noticing_ there’s something out of place. “Who the fuck are you? And why has Fugaku-sama given you permission to be _here_? Are you a Council spy?”

Itachi sighs. _Dramatically. Because he can copy Kowashi’s drama sighs if he wants, okay? Besides, they’re effective._ “Elder Katsu, it’s hard for him to reply when you’re holding him like that. This is my teammate, Kowashi Suzuki. He’s mute. He is not a Council spy. He is here because tou-san graciously allowed me to use him to prove my point about the effectiveness of utilizing genjutsu without relying so heavily on the sharingan.”

There’s a pause, then a huff, and Katsu drops Kowashi abruptly.

Kowashi lands on his feet with a reciprocal huff of annoyance, and meticulously straightens his clothes before commenting, *Fine, you are not senile. However, I maintain my doubts about the rest of them. They didn’t notice _at all_ and I’ve heard a pack of five year olds come up with better plans than the m-o-r-o-n-i-c ones I’ve heard here.*

“Oh, _do_ enlighten us.” Katsu drawls sarcastically.

 *You do know that demanding the p-r-i-v-i-l-e-g-e you think you deserve just makes others think the r-u-m-o-r-s are true? Getting angry at the r-u-m-o-r-s just makes it worse. And so does this slow retreat from acting like the other clans are your equals. It makes your clan look guilty of what it is not.*

“The Uchiha clan _has_ no equal. But _do_ share your grand alternate plans.”

Kowashi just rolls his eyes at Elder Katsu. *Have none of you ever had mother-in-laws?*

“Are you suggesting we turn the matter over to the women of the clan?”

His teammate snorts in amusement. *Well, they could not do a worse job, I think. But I meant g-u-i-l-t. Give someone who knows you think they do not deserve it, your whole heart backing and declare that you _trust_ them to take care of what is precious to you, and they find it hard to not c-o-m-p-l-y. Act like someone is out to get you, and they wonder why you think they _should_ be out to get you, and make up answers or get answers from r-u-m-o-r-s. Think Uchihas are better than other clans? Other clans not stupid. That is how t-y-r-a-n-t-s are made, by electing those who think they are better than others to office. You complain about unequal treatment, but who do you treat as equals? Cannot treat all as criminals and victims and expect to not be treated the same. No clan will willingly elect a Hokage who will treat them as less, or one they think will be pressured into doing so by their clan.*

Itachi waits for the explosion, because Elder Katsu’s temper burns hot.

“You-!” Katsu pauses, face turning a worrisome shade of red. “I’m sorry, Fugaku-sama, I’m going to have to…adopt this one.”

The whole room goes silent in incomprehension.

“I beg your pardon?” His father finally manages in a tone of blank disbelief.

“Don’t look so surprised. The last person I knew who reasoned anything like this was…well. A long time ago. Trust me when I say he is better as an ally than as an enemy. So I’m adopting him. It’s not like I have any surviving kids to leave my legacy to anyways.”

 *I don’t think you can do that.* Kowashi objects, looking dazed.

“Hm. How old are you, Kowashi?” By Elder Katsu’s tone, Itachi is fairly sure Kowashi is going to regret answering. It’s far too amused.

 *Eleven.*

“Excellent. Consider yourself adopted. Fugaku-sama, please make sure the paperwork is filed promptly.”

Kowashi flails, then stamps his foot in frustration. *No! I am not changing my name to Uchiha. No!*

Itachi watches wide-eyed as Elder Katsu, who is notorious for not liking to be in too close of proximity to those he doesn’t know and trust, ruffles Kowashi’s blue hair and chuckles. “Of course not. No one would believe you if you said you were an Uchiha anyways. You don’t _look_ like one. There’s no reason to change your name, since you can’t inherit a clan position. We’re not like the Hyuuga, who do _everything_ by bloodlines. Positions have to be _earned_.”

His teammate’s lip curls in offense. *I have no ambition to get achievements by way of n-e-p-o-t-i-s-m!*

Elder Katsu gives him a smug smile. “Good to know. My older sons didn’t hold with that nonsense either.”

Kowashi gets a look of horror on his face. *I am _not_ your son!*

He winces and interrupts. “Ah, actually Kowashi- Konoha has this law dating back to the first ninja war…”

 *You cannot be serious!*

His father sighs. “I’m afraid he is serious. Genin orphans of twelve and under can be adopted by an adult shinobi of chunin or higher rank, provided there is no history of abuse or severe mental instability, unless the genin in question is the last remaining member of an established clan within Konoha. Unless you have some conviction or evidence that he means to harm you by way of the adoption, there’s no legal block to him just deciding to adopt you and filing the paperwork to make it legal, whether you consent or not.”

 *Well, just refuse to file it then!*

Fugaku just looks at the ceiling and doesn’t reply.

 *Hey! Don’t ignore me!*

Elder Katsu chuckles and ruffles Kowashi’s hair again. “Oh, so that’s it. Fine, I’ll file it in person. It’s been awhile since I’ve moved these old bones out of the clan compound anyways.”

Kowashi gives a short, hoarse scream and stomps out in utter frustration.

Itachi blinks after him in consternation, then rises to follow him. _Is it wrong of him to be glad that he now can make Kowashi suffer with him through clan meetings?_

~

Katsu gives a little smirk as Hiruzen picks up his pipe and promptly takes a long drag when he sees who has entered his office.

“To what do I owe this honor?”

He smacks down the pile of signed adoption forms for the blue haired brat. “I’m adopting a kid. Approve it, or I’ll start attending Clan Council meetings on a regular basis.”

Hiruzen pales the faintest bit, then raises his brows when he glances down and sees the kid’s name. “What are you up to, Katsu?”

Katsu rolls his shoulders in a shrug. “Not much. Just keeping little Itachi’s interesting teammate from getting assassinated, since Itachi and Fugaku in _all their wisdom_ decided letting the boy attend the clan’s private council under a concealing genjutsu to prove little Itachi’s skill was a sound idea. Anything I should know about the brat, by the by? Other than him being mute and having an oddly in-depth knowledge of psychology?”

“Well…” Hiruzen sighs, obviously resigned now. “He has an aptitude for sealing that is slightly terrifying, and…”

_Not that he actually thinks that Kowashi needs protection from his clan. He hadn’t heard **that** much. And he knows Hiruzen doesn’t believe him either, but Hiruzen’s always done better with cooperation if someone hands him a pretty excuse. Badgering Hiruzen is far less hassle than bothering to get access to Kowashi’s official files._

_And so much more amusing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kowashi is specifically referring to what is called ‘anko dango’, and it’s made with either a paste topping or filling made from sweetened adzuki beans. Dango in general is a rice flour dumpling, but there’s a number of official variations of it. Some are made with ingredients such as eggs, green tea, or sesame for coloration/texture/flavor variances. Others just vary in what coatings/sauces/fillings are used. While a few are made from other flours, such as potato, millet, or soy. Several variations of dango use sweetened adzuki bean (red bean) paste as an ingredient/topping/filling. Now that I’ve managed to thoroughly confuse you, you can google it and figure out wth I just tried to explain. :P  
> <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dango>  
> Also, I don’t think I’ve ever had dango, but I have had some red bean stuffed rice flour thing, and yeah, that’s pretty much what it tasted like.
> 
> Iruka, Konoha’s most feared loan ~~shark~~ dolphin. He doesn’t make loans, but he’ll buy up bad debts if requested and _convinces_ the debtors to pay up. If scolding them doesn’t work, well…he’s a prankster. He gets gleefully creative. After the first few jounin level ‘victims’, most of the others wised up enough to pay him immediately if their debt ends up in his hands. This works out for all those involved, since most of the original owners of the debts would be more potentially lethal in their retaliation for not getting paid back, and are hesitant to go that far. His pranks are just _humiliating_. Iruka doesn’t actually charge interest, but it’s become a tradition to give him extra just to make sure he doesn’t give into the temptation to prank them despite paying up.  
> The actual numbers of debts involved will slowly taper off over time, since people can just _threaten_ to sell debts to him and get paid without having to involve him.
> 
> Katsu Uchiha… _you bastard you, what are you doing to my story?_ (Ahem.)  
> He is an OC. Mostly because canon is character sketchy af when it comes to filling out flat character clan members in any manner. The number of named members would be enough combined to make up a tiny clan…if one put them all in the same time period. Yeah, we know there has to have been more Elders we never even got a face or name for who, just like anyone, had complex beliefs and motives beyond being burning grease fires of anger and ambition.  
> Katsu is a little younger than Hiruzen, but old enough to have known both the first and second Hokage a little bit. He admired both of them quite a bit, and despite being one of the prouder and more vociferous elders about how the clan is being treated, he doesn’t share the general opinion that Tobirama was the source of the clan’s ostracization. He blames that solely on the current Council and Hiruzen being too partial. He’s also more of a realist than he comes across as to Itachi and Fugaku. He has a lot of influence on the Uchiha clan council, even though he usually sits against the wall and doesn’t say much. Partly this is because, while he and Madara are about as distantly related as one can get within a clan, he has some similar traits when he gets all ‘mine!’ about something or someone.  
> The older generation recall that he once started a minor war in order to marry his wife, who died a few years later due to some pissy noble running her down when she wasn’t paying attention. The noble and his entire family disappeared without a trace within the year, and when asked if he knew anything about it, Katsu would just smile eerily. The common consensus concluded that he’d done something horrible to them all, such as burying them all alive with doton. _(Incidentally, the only one he actually killed was the one who was responsible for his wife’s death. The rest just ended up in other countries, in peasant clothing, with no memories of who they were or where they came from. He may have used a Yamanaka technique that he wasn’t supposed to know.)_  
>  Unsurprisingly, the other Elders are just a _tiny bit_ leery of crossing him.  
> He also doesn’t attend the Clan Council, because Koharu always glares daggers at him, in turn, he deliberately annoys her by ignoring her grudge glares and staring at Danzo instead, which creeps Danzo out and results in him provoking more fights, and the previous Clan head finally told him to knock it off or quit coming. Katsu hasn’t attended since.


	7. Sigils, Ants, and Apple Pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katsu gets into things he shouldn't. Kowashi borrows a recipe from 'Ethan's memories, and meets someone new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my friend who checks for typos for me tells me my writing has been a little wonky lately. Sorry about that. I’m guessing more stilted, since I’ve been sick and exhausted pretty much since the beginning of the year, and that never bodes well for working the little glitches out of the flow. Or creativity, sadly. Take care of your health, folks, both mental and physical. It’s a lot harder to function if you don’t, and almost impossible to get back to where you were before you stopped. And thank you for all the lovely comments.
> 
> Notes got kind of long, so some of them had to be moved to the beginning.
> 
> Unexpectedly, his kitchen is not a wreck. Katsu ate takeout on his way instead of using the kitchen. I…haven’t been able to come up with a sign-name for Katsu yet. Any thoughts on it?
> 
> Katsura- Written as 勝 (shou, ka.tsu, katsu, -ga.chi, sugu.reru, masa.ru) meaning "excel, prevail, victory, win" and 占 (sen, urana.u, shi.meru) meaning "divining, forecasting, fortune-telling, get, have, hold, occupy, take". Taken from the submitted names section of Behind the Name, Japanese surnames, so accuracy is slightly questionable, I suppose.  
> Yes, Katsura _is_ the extinct clan that Kowashi looks like. Yes, the clan _did_ have a kekkai genkai, but not one that everyone inherited. Nor did all those who inherited survive inheriting it. The clan was always a small one, probably no more than forty members at its zenith. _(For a clan, that is tiny. On my father’s mother’s side, though not closely related, there’s a family reunion event rather regularly that nets about 3000 people per time. It’s my understanding that those numbers are actually pretty normal for ‘larger’ clans, as well. So, yeah. Though honestly, it’s unlikely that any of Konoha’s clans are quite to that scale.)_ Yes, Kowashi _is_ a descendant of the Katsura clan and he _has_ inherited the kekkai genkai. He doesn’t actually know that, though. At this point, the similarities are merely…highly suspicious and he’s hoping that he’s actually _not_ related.

Kowashi twitches. There is an _Uchiha_ in his apartment _again._ And not the one who is welcomed here. He has tried seals to keep him out and traps, but Katsu gets around them with insulting ease and compliments him for any upgrades he manages. _It would be funny if it wasn’t such a depressing comment on his skill level and aggravating in the extreme that Katsu simply won’t back off._ He’s tried asking Iruka for help and even Kakashi, but Katsu had gotten to them first, pre-bribing them to not simply solve the issue for him. Even he has to admit, a lifetime of free ramen from Ichiraku’s for Iruka and _two, brand-new, signed sets_ of all of Jiraiya’s books for Kakashi are…pretty impressive bribes.

Although, he thinks threatening to start drawing original, untested seals on or near their apartments if they _deliberately_ make his wards easier for Katsu to get through was _probably_ a sufficient preventative and entirely called for.

Even if it did make both of them go white, Kakashi promptly claiming he would never do such a thing, and Iruka looking too horrified to even get words out. Not that they’d been together when he’d asked, but he didn’t really think it would’ve made any difference. By now he has a rather fair idea of _exactly_ how dangerous untested seals can be. _Some things just deserve that level of retaliation._ Not that he’d use _untested_ ones, of course. Because he doesn’t want to accidentally endanger civilians with a black hole or something, but there’s nothing saying he can’t use some of his more spectacular failed seals for the purpose.

On the bright side, _if he was willing to admit to such a thing existing,_ he now has _plenty_ of motivation to rapidly improve his fuuinjutsu skills. Nor can he really complain about the exquisite, obviously custom made fuuinjutsu brush that mysteriously showed up on his counter one day, since Katsu hasn’t claimed credit for it other than looking _unspeakably smug_ for a few days.

Still, he could do without the random items embroidered or embossed with the Uchiha fan that occasionally pop up in his apartment, obviously intended for him. And the dark, bitter tea that now lurks in the corner of one of his upper kitchen cupboards. He’s tried tossing them, _burning_ them, donating them to the orphanage, giving them to random people who look like they could use them, and _dumping them in the Naka River!_ But replacement items show up within a day or two, no matter what he does.

 *Go away.*

Naturally, Katsu ignores this, nose buried in a handwritten book. “Hm, this is fascinating.”

 *What are you reading? Is that-?*

“I had no idea that there used to be a Katsura clan.”

Kowashi freezes.

“So, is Suzuki one of your birth parents’ name? Or did you choose it yourself?”

 _He had hoped no one would ever think to ask that._ *Get. Out.*

“Ah. Chose it yourself, gotcha. Have a bit of taste for irony, don’t you? But it’s a good name. Nice choice. I suppose I can see why you object to only having the Uchiha emblem on your things.”

Kowashi raises his brows at that. He’d been _sure_ Katsu was just doing it to get a reaction. *Then you’ll stop?*

“Of course.” Katsu gives him an entirely too pleased with himself smile that makes a shiver of dread go up Kowashi’s spine. Then lifts the book. “Can I borrow this?”

 *No!*

“Make a copy?”

 *No! I was allowed to copy an Akamichi inheritance, but that doesn’t mean I can let other people copy it!*

“Ah. Fair enough. I’ll just read it here, then.”

Kowashi rolls his eyes. The damage has already been done, and really, records of extinct clans aren’t a huge deal. *I am not feeding you.*

“How unfilial. It’s a good thing I already fed myself, then.”

He mentally cringes at the information, wondering how much damage there is to his kitchen _this_ time. Katsu is someone who should never be allowed near stoves or ovens. The lack of smoke smell is _probably_ a good sign, but… *I am NOT your son!*

“Funny, the law says differently.”

The amused tone ratchets his temper up. _Unfortunately, that is true. The Hokage hadn’t even looked sorry for signing the documents. Stupid hat man._ With a huff, he stomps off to see how much of his kitchen needs to be salvaged.

~

Kowashi blinks a few times, then yawns, trying to figure out exactly what’s different about the closet. _Oh, the Uchiha section is gone._ Bemused, but not unhappy, he gets dressed, then wanders towards the kitchen, only to find the subtle wrongness is present in more places. There are more Uchiha sigil branded things missing. _Weird. Cool, but weird._ It’s like a victory he didn’t know he needed. Well, he’d known, just not realized how huge the struggle felt until it was _gone_.

It’s the start of a beautiful day, with everything going perfectly. Well, not _everything_ , but he’s in such a good mood that it feels like it.

When he finally goes home, it’s even _better_ , because the unwanted items have _stayed gone._

He contemplates bringing over some of the ants from his old apartment, just because, since he actually kind of misses feeding them soap. Then he grimaces as he remembers Kakashi’s irrational dislike of them. Yeah, no, he’s not dealing with _another_ new apartment just because he likes the idea of pet ants. Konoha has no ant farms for sale that he’s seen, so that’s not really an option, either. Too bad. He’s pretty sure he could convince Kakashi to leave them alone if Kakashi was convinced that they couldn’t get out.

Well, maybe he can do something else that brings back warm memories. Like baking apple pie. It’s been… _years_ since he did that, and he’s not sure it’s something he’s ever _seen_ in Konoha. Then again, they have different foods for their festivals, so maybe that’s why. At least he knows that they do _have_ the ingredients to make them. He wouldn’t have known that before meeting sensei and Ai. Though some of the ingredients are a bit… _different_ here. _Hmmn…_

~

Kowashi pauses in curiosity. He’s fairly sure he’s never seen this…person before. Well, man. What he’s confused on is whether he’s a Nara or an Akamichi. He kind of looks like Kowashi imagines a person would look like if one squished the two genomes together into one person. A look around informs him that yes, several Nara _are_ visiting the Akimichi for some reason, so that really doesn’t clear up his confusion. *Are you a fat Nara with red hair, or a lazy Akamichi with pineapple hair tendencies?*

The twenty-ish man stares at him for a long moment, then says in a very flat tone, “Yes.”

He winces, realizing belatedly exactly how _rude_ his question is. _Of course_ the guy would look like both clans if one parent is from the former and the other from the latter. Kowashi didn’t think the two clans ever intermarried, though. This guy has probably heard the question _far_ too many times at this point in his life. In apology, he reaches into his basket and pulls out one of his apple tart…things and tosses it to him.

While he has half of a lovely apple pie now sitting in his refrigerator, he’d gotten a bit carried away and decided to make apple tarts to share. Given that he has no idea how to _make_ tarts, however, they’d turned out more like messy baked gyoza than anything tart-shaped.

The Nara-Akamichi catches it neatly, eyes it with a sigh, and then says, “I don’t like gyoza.”

 *Not gyoza. Apple spice pockets.* He _was_ going to call them ‘tarts’, but then he realized that the sign word means ‘sour’ and decided it was going to be too much hassle to explain repeatedly.

Looking intrigued now, the Nara-Akamichi takes a small bite, still obviously hesitant. “Huh. Can I get the recipe?”

Kowashi blinks, because that was _not_ a comment he expected. *I guess? Made copy for Ai. Come with and copy?*

“Seems fair.” He heaves himself off the rock he’s slouched on, as if the effort is mighty and not appreciated. “You’re Housei-san’s genin, right? I’m Isamu.”

 *K-o-w-a-s-h-i.* He clarifies, nodding. *Sweet-blue. You are red-shadow?*

“Sure, call me that. It’s better than anything else I’ve been called in sign. Want help carrying that?”

He blinks at Isamu, then shakes his head. *For team. Make your own with recipe.*

Isamu chuckles, apparently not offended at all by the implication that he’d eat the rest in the short distance to Ai’s and Housei sensei’s house. “Fair enough.”

Kowashi isn’t sure if that’s admitting to food kleptomania, or simple acknowledgement of clan tendencies. It’s not really an issue normally, since the clan has a _thing_ for making sure everyone gets enough to eat, but it can be when limited portions of foods they like are hanging in the balance. To be perfectly honest, he’s more concerned that _Itachi_ will snag them all if he lets him try them first; his sweet tooth can get a little out of control at times. As it is, he’s given Isamu _his_ portion, so he’s not going to risk it, just in case. He does find it a little amusing that Isamu proceeds to nibble the rest as they walk, rather than just finishing it off in a couple bites. _Must be the Nara in him._

 *Red-shadow came with.* He says in response to Itachi’s questioning look.

Ai sets down a dish to ask. *Who? Oh. Brave-child, welcome. Why are you here?*

_Wow, he wouldn’t like to be ‘child’ for his entire life either. No wonder Isamu likes Kowashi’s version better._

Isamu shrugs. “He offered to let me copy the recipe he brought for you. Didn’t have anything else to do anyways.”

 *Must be good if _you_ want to copy it.* She says with an amused smile. *Is that what you brought, Kowashi?*

 *Yes. Apple spice pockets. Can make larger with, too.*

So, _of course,_ they end up eating his messy desserts before the meal, because everyone just _has_ to try it now that they _know_ it _‘must be good’._ And their training time is promptly coopted so he can teach everyone how to make the pie version. Although he and Himuka end up retreating a bit after everyone has ‘gotten it’ to watch in a kind of horrified awe as the three Akamichis and Itachi proceed to get _creative_ about making their own, new versions. Itachi seems satisfied after managing to create dango-shaped ones, and when Iruka shows up, the three of them are happy enough to leave the creative frenzy behind in the kitchen to work on seals.

When dinner turns out to be an _insanely_ large apple pie, which turns out to be hundreds of mini-pies which fit together with nearly insane accuracy, Kowashi exchanges looks with Himuka, and _nopes_ the fuck out of there. Although Himuka borrows his basket to snag some of the test pieces all over the kitchen to take home to her family.

It’s not that he doesn’t _love_ apple pie, but there _is_ a limit, and he can foresee leftovers for the next _week or two_ from that monster pie and various test pieces. Also? He still has half a pie at home, and he indulged earlier by eating some of the test pieces. Let Iruka and Itachi get stuffed to the gills; he has better things to do.

He can’t even be bothered to get annoyed when he comes home later to find Katsu polishing off the last of his pie. Somehow he suspects that the only reason that _his_ copy of the recipe doesn’t disappear with the annoying man when he leaves is because Katsu used his sharingan to copy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bemused- _Confused._ Or more specifically ‘be-’ is an intensifier of ‘-muse/muser’ ‘to be lost in thought/stare stupidly’.  
> As opposed to ‘amuse’ which is ‘a-’ ‘expressing causal effect’ of ‘-muse/muser’ ‘to be lost in thought/stare stupidly’. Which then became ‘amuser’ (French, 15th century) ‘entertain, deceive’.  
> So ‘bemused’ is basically “Er…Wha-? _(stare, stare)_ ” or ‘baffled’, while ‘amused’ is ‘wanting to laugh/being entertained’.
> 
> Yes, he thinks Kakashi’s afraid of ants. He’s wrong. Kakashi just has an aversion to infestations. And no, he doesn’t consider what Katsu’s reaction would be. If he _did_ , he might import the ants out of sheer spite.
> 
> Isamu Akamichi-Nara: Isamu’s normal sign name _(on missions)_ is ‘ghost-bug’, on the theory that a butterfly made of shadow would be a ghost. And yes, it’s rude, and more or less an insult to him being of both clans. His parents aren’t married to each other, so he’s always gotten a lot of flak for his heritage. Ai calls him ‘brave-child’, a play on his name, which is written as ‘brave’.  
> He has the Akamichi love of food, but he’s _picky_. Much to his mother’s dismay. Isamu’s not very good at the clan techniques, because his metabolism is a bit too fast for them to not be dangerous for him if he uses them much. He _can_ use them, in a pinch, but he’s actually much better with the Nara techniques. Because the clans are allied, he was allowed to learn them, even though his Akamichi mother raised him. While he’s only a chunin, it’s mostly because he can’t be bothered to make jounin. The biased opinions on heritage and his Nara slouchtm make it easy for others to overlook it, something he’s deliberately not changed. He has the classic Nara intelligence, but isn’t a genius like Shikaku and Shikamaru. He has earth, yin, and yang affinities. Make of that what you will.  
> Isamu lives on Akamichi clan grounds because it helps him stay unnoticed and people don’t bother him much. It also keeps him off the radar of those _lovely social climbers_ , who see him as a clan outcast, but still a good doorway to marrying into the clan, since it means their kids would be clan kids. He’s actually _not_ an outcast, because most of the Akamichi are more amused by how badly his mother freaked out when she found out she was pregnant via a drunken one night stand with her best friend than anything else. And it’s not like similar situations haven’t happened in the past; the clans have been allied a _looong_ time. The Nara…mostly can’t be bothered to have much of an opinion on it, since his father _did_ take responsibility for him, even if he went on to marry someone else. Yep, he has some Nara half-sibs, and his mother finally married when he made chunin so he has a couple little Akamichi half-sibs too. There’s no chemistry between his biological parents, and they remain best friends, though their relationship was a bit rocky for a couple years when he was little, out of sheer embarrassment.
> 
> The ‘pie’ was actually so they could let the whole clan try it, and unsurprisingly, the rest of the test pieces walked off shortly after. Kowashi’s version of the recipe was also shared with the clan. Konoha then proceeded to experience a temporary shortage of apples, as the clan bought up all the stock available. And it is added as a ‘limited edition’ item to the Akamichi restaurants, since they can’t actually obtain enough on a regular basis to make it a regular item. And yes, Katsu _did_ sharingan-copy Katsu’s original version of the recipe, notes and all.


	8. Apple Pie recipe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a chapter, per se.  
> Literally an apple pie recipe for those who now suddenly find themselves with an apple pie craving. Hopefully it's intelligible for those who rarely cook as well as those who love to bake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what my family uses.  
> It's probable that Kowashi uses a shortening (or lard) and butter crust recipe instead, but I don't bake often enough to know a good one of that type. _(Shortening (or lard) makes a crust flakier. Butter makes it richer tasting. Apparently. haha)_

Apple Pie recipe:  
_(Recipes vary, it’s fine to adapt to your own tastes/needs.)_

 **Never Fail Oil Crust** –by Mrs. Ross Giem  
(This is from an old vegetarian cookbook.)

2Cups white flour, unsifted  
2Tablespoons wheat germ (Optional)  
1Teaspoon salt  
2/3 Cup oil  
1/3 Cup cold water

Stir together with a fork: unsifted flour, wheat germ, and salt.  
Combine oil and cold water in separate container.  
Stir oil and water mixture all at once into flour. Stir until flour is all dampened. Divide into 2 balls. Roll out each ball between 2 sheets of waxed paper until size for crust. (To keep paper from shifting, dampen area paper is placed.) Place crusts in pie pans. Bake shells in a 425°F oven for ten minutes. Yield: 2 lg pie shells _(crusts)_.  
**Addendum ( _by my mom and I_ ):** _For apple pie, only put one crust in a pie pan. DO NOT PRE-BAKE!!! Add filling then put other crust over the top, cut off the extra that hangs over the rim, and flute edges of the crusts together. People often flute the bottom crust and then flute the top crust to it, but it’s not absolutely required to do it that way._  
Fluting is pinching the crust edges together with forefingers and thumbs to create a zigzag pattern. Other edge techniques include ‘rope’, ‘braid’, or simply using a fork to press in a design as well as smushing the edges together.  
Top crust designs: Fancy ones may cut the top crust into strips and use it to weave a top. Some people cut fancy designs into the top crust before or after placement. But if you can’t be bothered, just stab through a few places in it with a fork or knife so there’s vent holes; this prevents the pie from exploding in usually not-terrible but ugly ways.  
DO NOT stab through the bottom crust. If you find holes in the bottom crust when you place it in the pan, you can use some of the excess dough from the edges to fill the holes, tamping it into place so there’s not leakage that will result in soggy bottom crust.

 

 

 **Perfect Apple Pie** –from an old Betty Crocker cookbook

6 to 8 tart* apples, pared, cored, and thinly sliced (6 Cups)  
¾ to 1 Cup sugar  
2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour  
½ to 1 Teaspoon ground cinnamon  
Dash of ground nutmeg. _(Basically a light dusting or small pinch. DO NOT overdo nutmeg, folks. It’s strong flavored and too much of it is bad for you.)_  
Dash of salt  
Pastry for 2-crust, 9-inch pie  
2 Tablespoons butter

 _*Tart- They’re talking about old varieties of tart apples, such as Gravensteins or NorthernSpys, NOT Granny Smiths, which are a lot tarter and generally a lot firmer. (Also, it’s fine to use sweeter, softer apples such as Golden Delicious, just reduce the sugar somewhat if you’re sensitive to sweetness, because they do have more sugars in them naturally.) (Some recipes use concentrated apple juice instead of sugar, if you’re sugar sensitive.)_  
If apples lack tartness, sprinkle with about 1 tablespoon lemon juice.  
Combine sugar, flour, spices, and dash of salt.  
Mix with apples.  
Line 9-inch pie plate _(pan)_ with pastry.  
Fill with apple mixture.  
Dot with butter.  
Adjust top crust, cutting slits for escape of steam. Seal.  
Sprinkle with sugar. _(You can rub the top crust with a thin coating of butter or water to help the sugar stick, but it’s not necessary, as the sugar will melt enough to stick on its own.)_  
Bake at 400°F for 50 minutes or until done. _(Altitude affects bake times. Weather can too. Firm apples tend to take longer to cook through than soft apples.) (Ovens should be preheated for baking pies, so turn it on maybe 5-10 mins before you put them in, depending on how fast your oven heats.) Yield: One 9-inch apple pie._  
**Italics are addendums added by me.**


	9. Stupidity is Lethal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Items return, a missing nin is an idiot, a vendor is an idiot and Kowashi is an idiot. Kowashi dies a couple times, much to his team's dismay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this is coherent and stuff. Lol. I’m very, very tired. A sibling and niblings are visiting this month. Among other things. If you spot typos or inconsistencies, please let me know.
> 
> Okay, questions:   
>  Should Kowashi have a summons or not? (Why? or Why not?)   
>  If not, I’ll probably give him a pet, instead. _(shrugs)_   
>  I will warn that giving him a summons may end up making him a little _too_ OP. Because…uh, reasons. Relating to his kekkai genkai.  
>  Also, if you think he should have a summons, what kind?   
>  Obviously dogs and canines in general are off the table, since he’s terrified of dogs. So are the ‘sage’ summons such as the Toads, Snakes, and Slugs. That would _definitely_ make him too OP, and that’s not my (or his) goal. Likewise, I don’t want to give him ants as a summons, because irl ants are majorly OP for their size (and probably far more useful for a ninja than toads or snakes, come to think of it), and I _really_ don’t want to up his OP level significantly.
> 
> ~
> 
> Team 2:
> 
> Housei Akamichi-OC, Kowashi’s and Itachi’s replacement jounin sensei.
> 
> Himuka Suzukaze-canonically one of Itachi’s replacement teammates after one died and the other quit.
> 
> Kowashi Suzuki-OC, MC from our world (Ethan), wakes up in the body of a Root member, with both sets of memories. Has no intention of getting involved in the main storyline or saving the world, but only vaguely remembers the manga and only read most of the way through the chunin exams arc anyways. Is thoroughly unaware how greatly he’s already managed to shift things just by being himself and there. Itachi’s teammate instead of the canonically killed one. He keeps waking up alive after being killed and is uncertain as to the origin of the ability, as well as being puzzled as to why he is mute when neither he nor the Root member were. Has some clues now due to Housei sensei’s mother Ai letting him borrow an old, one of a kind book on a bunch of extinct clans. Has been adopted against his will by Uchiha elder Katsu Uchiha. Recently introduced the idea of apple pie to Konoha.
> 
> Itachi Uchiha-canonically killed the Uchiha clan with the help of ‘Madara’ _(Obito)_ , except for his little brother Sasuke. Pacifist _(for a given value of being an active and excellent shinobi)_. Loves dango. Has a tendency to be a little too serious and too passive when given orders. His slightly warped sense of humor _(among other things)_ tend to come out around Kowashi, whom he considers a true equal.

_Quandaries of the soul do not, unfortunately, provide respite from quandaries of everyday life, nor the reverse. No matter what philosophers might have one believe, in truth, both are always there, tangling around each other inextricably. Because spiritual and physical are two halves of a whole: that called ‘existence’. ~Bitter reflections, entry #193_

Kowashi wonders if murdering one’s unwanted adoptive parent is acceptable in ninja villages, then regretfully decides that it probably isn’t and he really doesn’t want to visit T&I. Still, as he stares at the jacket he’d pulled sleepily out of the closet before _looking_ at it, the temptation is strong. It’s one of the items that _had_ disappeared. He’d thought it gone forever. _Silly him._ Not only is it back, still bearing the Uchiha crest, it bears the crest of a long dead clan: Katsura, and an unfamiliar crest that he is almost _certain_ stands for Suzuki: stylized, but clearly a leaf with what reminds him of nothing so much as a string of a snowbell flowers crossed over it.

 _Screw it._ At least the Suzuki crest is the most prominent one, with the two other, smaller crests flanking it, which means Katsu was actively _trying_ to compromise and respect his wishes a bit for once. Besides, it’s actually a comfortable jacket and he’s not awake enough to bother sorting through for an unmarked one.

He probably _should_ , but. Grumbling, he pulls it on and slouches towards the door before he’s late. Spiting Katsu this time isn’t worth being late to one of Ai’s breakfasts.

~

Kowashi wakes with mental curses, the sensation of bleeding out from a slit throat fresh in his memory. He’s getting _really tired_ of dying on ‘simple’ missions. This is their first C rank with Himuka and Housei sensei, so _of course_ some idiot missing nin had seen his crest-emblazoned jacket and leaped to the conclusion that he was an important clan heir. Their team _did_ have an important clan heir, but it certainly wasn’t _him._ Itachi had made the intelligent choice and ignored the threat to kill Kowashi if the rest of the team didn’t surrender. He remembers seeing a flash of startled rage on Housei sensei’s face and horror on Himuka’s as Itachi calmly killed the missing nin, even as the man reacted by cutting Kowashi’s throat.

_Speaking of which…_

“Move, Itachi.”

“No, sensei. You can’t seal his body, because he’s not dead.”

“Itachi… Reckless endangerment of your teammate, resulting in his death is something we’ll discuss later, but even you cannot believe that he’s alive after that. Not even Tsunade of the Sannin could bring him back from that, though perhaps she could have kept him from bleeding out in the first place _if she were here._ Which she isn’t. Now move aside.”

“I refuse, Housei sensei.”

“Himuka, restrai-”

 _Okay, this has gotten ridiculous._ Kowashi reaches out and taps Housei sensei’s ankle, blinking when it causes the large man to jump like he’s been goosed and stare down at him with wild-eyed disbelief. _How to explain? Yeah, no, he has no idea_. Sitting up, he promptly has to pause as his head spins dizzyingly, and sign woozily, *Anyone have any blood replacement pills?*

This is a first, but maybe with less damage to reverse he comes back faster? Something to ask Itachi’s opinion on later.

Itachi grimaces. “No, sorry. I’ll make sure to carry a stocked medical kit after this.”

He blinks at Itachi, because that wasn’t what he’d meant, but it’s a good idea, nonetheless.

“You’re-You’re _alive!?”_ Himuka half stammers, half shrieks.

Housei sensei huffs suddenly. “I have some soup base paste and some dried herbs that I can add to it to help your body replenish blood faster, but don’t think the pair of you _won’t_ be explaining, because you _will._ ”

Kowashi flicks a pointed glance at Itachi, who sighs.

“He dies. He comes back with the wounds no longer fatal. We don’t know why.” Itachi sums up succinctly.

 *Might be k-e-k-k-a-i g-e-n-k-a-i.* Kowashi admits.

Himuka bursts into tears. “I don’t care if it’s a kekkai genkai! It’s not okay for you to die, even if you do come back afterwards!”

 *I know.* _He understands where she’s coming from on that, really._

Itachi has the decency to look surprised and then embarrassed. “She’s right. I’m sorry. Knowing you’d survive is no excuse.”

Kowashi shrugs. *I understood why. Better than giving him what he wanted. But maybe better to avoid showing others? Don’t want to end up as experiment.*

If anything, Itachi looks _more_ embarrassed by this. “I-I didn’t- That did not occur to me.”

 *No reason it should have. Your clan would kill anyone who tried to for you.*

“Your clan too.”

He rolls his eyes and shrugs slightly, wincing at his sore neck. *You, maybe.*

“And Elder Katsu. Most of the rest of the clan would too, if for no other reason than to avoid his wrath.”

Kowashi wrinkles his nose. *Maybe. But people outside the clan wouldn’t know that, so it wouldn’t stop them.* _And **like hell** is he ever going to put himself in a position where Shimura can possibly get his slimy mitts on him again. Creepy assholes like him tend to be the kind who think they can bathe in the blood of their enemies to gain eternal life and torturing some hapless schmuck with endless medical experiments in pursuit of that is nothing to them._

~

Kowashi frowns at the slightly suspicious looking meat-on-a-stick, supposedly chicken, and covered in some murky sauce that smells a little weird, then shrugs and nods his thanks to the vendor. Unsurprisingly, it tastes odd, too, but he’s bored and hungry. Housei sensei is discussing things with the recipient of the scroll they’d couriered, Himuka is busy armwrestling some local civilian housewives for some reason, and Itachi has indubitably been lured in by the local dango stalls. He munches on the _possibly-chicken-hopefully-not-stray-dog_ stuff as he meanders through the market until he spots Itachi, then tosses the empty stick into a rubbish bin and wanders up to his teammate.

Eyeing the stack of dango boxes, he snags the last stick out of the almost empty fourth box on top of the three full boxes Itachi is carrying, ignoring Itachi’s muffled sound of protest. He _needs_ something to take the taste of _almost-certainly-not-chicken_ out of his mouth. *Check on Himuka now?*

Itachi sighs mournfully, accepting that sometimes one must cede some dango to a teammate in need, and nods. “We should.”

~

_Nearly a day later…_

He wakes up feeling miserable. Not too surprising, given that his last memory was vomiting up all he ate and then some, followed by vomiting blood and other unpleasant consequences. Apparently dying of food poisoning, or possibly poisoned food, is a _thing_ in Naruto-world, and it is a very miserable thing indeed.

“Alive again?” Himuka asks peevishly.

Kowashi blinks at her uncertainly. *Are you angry at me?*

“Yes, I’m angry with you! Did you fail Poisons or something? What kind of idiot eats spoiled duck in poisoned sauce? And doesn’t _tell_ anybody? Housei sensei had to analyze your vomit to figure out what happened, and you’re lucky he has an antidote to the poison, even if it was a _little late_ to keep you from _actually dying again!_ ”

 _Oh. So that’s what happened._ *I’m sorry?* He signs meekly.

“Well, you should be! Poor Itachi thought his precious dango had killed you! And that’s _twice_ we’ve had to watch you die on this mission! _Twice!_ And this is just a C ranked courier mission!”

He winces, because she’s right. Recognizing poisons should be easy for him, since he has Nameless’ memories and knowledge, even if he _did_ somehow get excused from the class on poisons. *I didn’t know it was poisoned. Or s-p-o-i-l-e-d d-u-c-k. Vendor said chicken. It tasted weird, but didn’t know why.*

Himuka splutters. “You ‘didn’t kno-!’”

Housei sensei looms up behind her, the look on his face making her break off with an _‘eep!’_ He glowers down at Kowashi. “ _You_ are getting a remedial course in recognizing poisons and obviously tainted foods.”

 *Yes, sensei.* He signs faintly. Dying of poison is stupidly exhausting, besides which he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Housei sensei this upset before. _Maybe it’s because he died of food this time?_ As an Akamichi, he’s probably taken personal insult at the method of suicide by stupidity this time.

“And if you don’t get over this habit of dying on every mission outside the village, I’ll get an official mandate preventing you from taking missions outside of Konoha!”

_Okay, then. Maybe it’s not the food thing; maybe it’s the dying pointlessly twice on the same mission thing._

Kowashi flails and tries to sit up in protest. Restricting him to in-village missions is a sure way to gain unwanted attention from unwanted quarters, not to mention making his team vulnerable if their new teammate didn’t mesh well with them.

Itachi squats beside him and pushes him back down, gently but firmly.

He allows it without protest, because Itachi’s hand is shaking just the slightest bit, but enough to convey how shaken up over this Itachi is. _Fair, since there had been no way for any of them to know whether or not he could come back from poison. The fact that he can is…a bit creepy, honestly. It gives him a flashback to an old movie he’d seen once in his previous life as Ethan. Something about groundhogs, a suicidal man who couldn’t die no matter what he tried, and an infinitely repeating day._

“If your intention was to terrify me into nearly giving up dango, it was successful. Please don’t do that again.”

 *That wasn’t- Why are your red eye wheels a different pattern?* He asks suspiciously. _Don’t the sharingan only come in a three-tomoe pattern?_ *Wait. Is that blood on your cheeks? You aren’t _crying blood_ , are you?*

“It’s the evolved form of the sharingan.” Itachi informs him calmly, as if it’s nothing to worry about. The strange pattern flicks back into his normal sharingan as he speaks, the flow of blood easing in response. “It’s only triggered when one is responsible for the death of someone one cares for, such as family or a close friend.”

Oh. _Oh._ Come to think of it, does Itachi _have_ any other friends than the small group they hang out with? No, actually, does Itachi even _consider_ the others friends? He’s known that Itachi considers him a friend, and quite probably considers Himuka one as well, but it’s a little hard to tell with the others, and he…he’s never considered the impact of that before. _Or, wait._ Maybe Itachi considers him family because Katsu adopted him?

Itachi flicks his forehead. “Quit thinking so hard. The smoke is starting to leak out your ears.”

He pouts, because _rude_ and _uncalled for_. *The bleeding can’t be good for your eyes. What if you go blind? And don’t even argue. I’m scheduling you for _so much_ therapy for the next few months.*

Itachi grimaces, but doesn’t argue. “Yes, eventual blindness is the downside of the mangekyo, from what I recall.”

Kowashi levels a narrow look at him. *Konoha has the most advanced m-e-d-i-c-a-l technology. We _will_ find a doctor who can fix your eyes.*

His expression must be scary, because Itachi nods meekly and the sharingan fades to his normal black, even though he looks like he greatly disagrees with his assertion. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Interestingly, the Japanese Snowbell tree’s flowers remarkably resemble the Eurasian origin Snowbells (a flower in the amaryllis family), which are naturalized in the US. Something Kowashi had no idea about when he picked the surname Suzuki. He has a vague memory of the Snowbells flower under that name _(the flower has several names),_ just enough for it to ping when he sees the stylized shape. One of the most common forms of the surname Suzuki literally means ‘bud tree’ or ‘bell tree’ or ‘bell wood’, referring to the Japanese Snowbell, as far as I can tell from Google.
> 
> Yes, Kowashi, dying of food poisoning is quite probably _a thing_ in most worlds (drily).
> 
> Spite+ing=Spiting  
>  Spit+ing=Spitting  
>  Go figure, eh? Lol. But in general, adding an ending to a word that ends in a vowel simply adds the ending, or changes the vowel to the ending’s vowel instead. While adding an ending to a word that ends in a consonant doubles the consonant.
> 
> It was duck, improperly cooked, and the sauce had a mistaken-identity herb in it. Kowashi wasn’t the only victim and the vendor ended up being charged with several counts of manslaughter via food poisoning.
> 
> So…yeah, the ‘flashback’? Let’s just say my family decided to watch Groundhog Day yesterday. Lol. Kudos to you if you recognized it while reading. It’s been a decade or two since I last watched that, and I really only watched snatches this time. No, the story premise has nothing to do with the movie, but this scene has been sticky and I figured that he’d vaguely remember at least a rerun of it from Ethan’s childhood. If you haven’t seen the movie, just know that it’s sheer and utter crack…just made some 20ish or so years ago. About an MC who gets stuck in a single-day time-loop and how he attempts to deal with it.
> 
> I don’t feel like killing off Shisui canon standard method, so…Itachi gets his mangekyo over thinking his dango may have permanently killed Kowashi. Lol. Not sorry.  
>  And yes, Itachi finds his expression intimidating. He’s actually kind of relieved at Kowashi’s opinion, though, since his offbeat way of doing things tends to turn out well for Itachi, in his experience.


	10. Cat, Squirrel(s), and Motos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kowashi learns Motos exist. Katsu and Itachi complicate his life with summons and a nincat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <https://archiveofourown.org/works/14128191/chapters/32557248> Bright Shade by SilentComfort
> 
> ^I’ve been reading this. It’s excellent.
> 
> ~
> 
> OC civilian Moto Clan shows up as a red herring.
> 
> Moto clan: OC civilian clan with a kekkai genkai that basically equates to ‘null chakra’. They can’t use chakra in any of the usual ways, so they’re unable to become ninjas.  
> Even though they habitually nab ninjas to have children by, only about 1 in 20 _don’t_ inherit the kekkai genkai. The ones who don’t may either be unable to use chakra in any sense or inherit their ninja parent’s gifts. _(Chances are about 50% for either variation.)_ If the latter, they’re turned over to the ninja parent to raise or train _(depending on preference of the individuals involved)_ or simply attend the ninja Academy under the Moto clan’s recommendation.  
> They can use their kekkai genkai as an area of effect bubble that negates active chakra usage.  
> Or target individuals directly in a manner that basically mimics the effects of chakra exhaustion without actually _causing_ chakra exhaustion, though precision of this technique can vary between individuals.  
> They can also use chakra ink as a medium to expand their ‘area of effect’ or the range of their effect on a given individual.  
> Biological imperative points them straight at ninjas attraction-wise, and they get very possessive of their ninja partners, although they can usually be convinced to allow them to leave _(or come and go)_ with enough persuasion on the ninja’s part.  
> And yes, if you want to borrow the Moto clan, **go right ahead**. They’re just bit characters here and in the other fic they’re popping up in currently. The idea of a frustratingly _useless but not harmful to the bearer_ kekkai genkai in a civilian-only clan amused me. Although, of course, it definitely has its uses _for_ Konoha or any other village that could get its hands on them.
> 
> Part of the Moto clan creation convo:  
>  _foodmoon: From Japanese_ _本 (moto) meaning "base, root, origin". More commonly it is the final character in Japanese surnames._  
>  SectorDweller: Hm! Let me check if it's not the japanese version of Root :P  
> SectorDweller: But the meaning does give a ring to it  
> Foodmoon: XD  
> Foodmoon: I kind of wanted to name it Funya, then I realized that was probably a bad way to do it ;P

_‘May you live in interesting times’ is an ancient Asian curse. I used to be thoroughly confused by this. No longer. Life has gotten indelibly interesting. ~Bitter Reflections, #1576_

Kowashi looks around the gathering of ninjas in confusion. It is a mandatory meeting, for all ranks, but not over anything urgent to Konoha. _Strange._

Shikaku Nara clears his throat, gaining the attention of the shockingly large assembly. “The Moto clan has declared a hunt. Their daughter Sukekiyo has reached the age of marriage for civilians and has expressed interest. Her slightly older cousin Tetsudou has apparently decided that it is time for him, as well. No gender preferences have been declared. So. Now you know. Those of you not interested or not eligible, steer clear. Remember that they are restricted to civilian abilities, but they _can_ take you down from further distances. Since the hunts have officially been declared, if you are caught, the results _are_ valid. That is all. Dismissed.”

There are a lot of groans and whines, and confused questions. And a lone ninja wailing about how his _little Sukekiyo is all grown up now_ and how can he _let unworthy brats anywhere near her?_ With several of his companions groaning at him to _shut up already_.

Annoyed, Kowashi pokes Katsu and Itachi. _*Who is M-o-t-o clan?*_

Itachi has a funny look on his face, like he knows but is completely at a loss to explain.

Katsu smirks. “You don’t know, eh? They’re a civilian clan, with a kekkai genkai. One that keeps them from using chakra at all in normal ways, but drives them to find ninjas to be temporary or permanent mates. They can negate all active chakra use within an area radius, or if they get serious, shut down internal chakra usage for their target, causing chakra exhaustion type symptoms without actually affecting the stored up chakra available. They can also extend their range indefinitely by using chakra ink, a very few of them can use it to create chakra seals and wards properly, but the effect can be the same even informally. They are not a very large or formal clan in any sense, but most of them do have proto-wards inked on the premises of their abodes that they can easily activate to create a larger area of effect of _null chakra_ that they don’t need to actively maintain. In general, they have no big role in Konoha or among ninjas, but you can imagine why Konoha granted them hunt rights to prevent the gift from falling into enemy hands.”

Kowashi grimaces because he _really doesn’t want to find out if the Moto kekkai genkai could negate whatever reanimates him and leave him actually dead_ , and nods, resolving to stay far away from any Moto until the hunt is declared over.

Itachi shudders and nods as well. “I think we need a map of which areas to avoid.”

“Hm.” Katsu considers them both for a moment. “Agreed. A Moto great-grandchild would be boring. And the clan would throw a fit if our heir had a child with one.”

~

He stares at Itachi and Katsu. Itachi is holding a tiny, green-eyed, black and white cat in ninja mesh armor out, and his unwanted adoptive father is holding a scroll out. They are wearing very similar expressions.

 *What is this about?*

“I thought, perhaps, that it would help to have a companion with you to help you determine _untoward substances_ on missions.” Itachi says delicately. “Ellie has agreed to be your nin-cat if you so wish.”

Katsu waves the scroll. “I heard you could have used some backup on your mission. Something about a bandit? This is the Contract I found for you. So. Which do you want?”

 *I have to choose?* Quite honestly, he’s not sure he can take care of anything besides soap ant colonies which take care of themselves entirely without help.

“The lad has a point. It’s good to have more than one ally, but he may not be able to communicate with the summons with just sign language. _I,_ however, can understand sign and interpret for him. So there’s no real need for him to _choose_. The laddie can have both, if he wishes!” The nin cat declares grandly.

Kowashi blinks at the cat. _Ellie_.

_Okay, then, apparently refusing isn’t an option._

*Sure.* He agrees, repressing a sigh. Uchihas are weirdly high-maintenance people.

“Then it’s settled. The lad will sign the summons contract and I’ll interpret for him, since he’s _my_ human now.” Ellie says with an air of satisfaction.

_Whoop-de-doo._

*I hope you can feed yourself. The last house plant I had died of dehydration and mold.* he informs the cat.

Ellie waves a claw-tipped paw idly. “No worries, lad. I’ll tell you what to buy for me. I’m not some fusspot dandy.”

He wonders if that means there _are_ some ‘fusspot dandy’ ninnekos. Or if Ellie is referring to the Uchihas. Then again, it _could_ just mean that Ellie is pretending she’s not when she really is.

Reluctantly he takes the proffered scroll and unrolls it.

“Since you can’t speak the words, do _this_ set of handsigns after signing the contract.” Katsu instructs, going through the signs with careful slowness to make certain he catches the order. “You’ll also need to use a bit of your blood as verification after you sign, before you summon, or it will fail.”

 *Understood.*

Carefully, he goes through the process step by step, then gags briefly on chakra smoke. His new summons are apparently…squirrels. _What?_

Don’t people like… _eat_ squirrels? Or feed them to possums or something? Why is there a squirrel contract of all things?

“Whoa! A summoner! Are you our new summoner? Your hair is really blue! Like the sky! Does it change colors with the time of day? Wait, _are_ you our new summoner? What’s your name? I’m Fujio!”

_Oh, that’s why._

“Of course it would be squirrels.” Ellie sighs. “Hey, squirrel. Yes, he’s your summoner. I’m his ninneko Ellie and _I was here first_. His name is Kowashi Suzuki, he’s mute, and I’ll be interpreting for your clan until some of you are competent in using sign. Got it?”

Fujio looks vastly confused. “What about his hair?”

“We haven’t seen the lad’s hair change color yet, but it’s still under observation. Maybe you can help watch it for us. It might be tricky, y’know.” Ellie says, all faux serious.

The squirrel nods with a solemn expression. “I can do that.”

 _Just what he needs, a comedy act. Great, just great._ Kowashi looks back and forth between Itachi and Katsu, then signs, *You both suck.*

~

Ellie, surprisingly, is decent company when she’s not preoccupied with staking her initial claim on him as _her human_. Even her accent changes and goes away when she’s not manipulating the situation. Though he supposes that will at least give him a _warning_ on when she intends to do so.

The squirrel…well, he’s not so sure on that. He still doesn’t know what the squirrel contract does for _him_ , but at least the creature seems well behaved. At least beyond the insistent staring at him, or more specifically, his _hair_. Fujio is _convinced_ that his hair can change color, and Ellie thinks it’s funny enough that she refuses to enlighten him. Itachi _tried_ , but the squirrel had obviously _not_ been listening, despite nodding along and agreeing. His unwanted father, because Katsu can never _not_ be irritating, had simply laughed himself sick before bidding him to put the scroll in a safe place to avoid damaging it and telling him to practice summoning at least once a week, and then taking himself off, still giggling to himself.

Housei sensei takes a long look when they show up at team practice with a squirrel attached to Itachi’s shoulder, intent on eyeballing Kowashi’s hair, and a tiny cat comfortably situated on Kowashi’s shoulder, and simply sighs. “So Kowashi has acquired a cat summons and Itachi has acquired a squirrel summons?”

Fujio’s tail flicks so hard he almost loses his perch, and he turns to stare at Housei sensei with a look of squirrelly horror. “No, no, no! Skybell is the squirrels’ summoner! Grand dame kitty is merely his interpreter. Quiet one is merely-! Merely an… _observation post_!”

“‘Skybell’?” Himuka asks in confusion.

“Uh! Um!” The squirrel flails, smacks his head against Itachi’s jaw, then regains his balance again. “Because he has sky hair and comes from the belltree nest!”

“What.”

“Um, um. K-Ko? Yeah, yeah. Ko…Su-Suzuki! His name is Ko Suzuki! In human speak.” Fujio looks proud of himself and a bit nervous.

“Close.” Itachi corrects calmly. “It’s Ko _washi_ Suzuki.”

Fujio nods repeatedly and copies obediently, “Kowashi Suzuki. Yeah. He’s our summoner, human girl. Not Quiet one.”

“My name is _Itachi Uchiha_.” Itachi tells him in a not quite patient tone.

The squirrel turns and stares up at him for a long moment. “Weasel is an unfortunate name. Are you going to bite me?”

Itachi looks confused.

“Weasels are known to raid squirrel nests.” Ellie informs them. “Be at peace, squirrel. Ninjas kill humans, not allied summons.”

“Oh. Okay. If grand dame kitty says so.” Fujio accepts this in an uncertain tone.

“I do.” Ellie assures him in a pontifical tone.

Reassured, Fujio seems to relax. “I’ll try to remember your name, Weasel Firefan.”

“Use the human speak version, squirrel, or you’ll confuse the humans.” The cat chides.

“Oh no! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to confuse the humans! Um. We-Weas- Erm.”

“Itachi.” Itachi offers in a bland tone.

“Ye-Yeah. I knew that. Ita-Itachi Fi- Erm. Itachi U-Uchiha! Uchiha!” Fujio repeats himself in triumph. “Quiet one is _Itachi Uchiha!_ ”

“I think I’m beginning to see a theme here.” Himuka mutters. “Squirrel, my name is Himuka Suzukaze. I prefer the human speak version.”

Fujio perks up. “Nice to meet you, Himuka Suzukaze. I’m Fujio of the Grey Squirrel summons clan from the oak tree nest.”

Kowashi resists the urge to facepalm. At least the creature _is_ intelligent, if a bit slow on some things.

~

“Oh! You haven’t been in for a while. Mission?” Kiyo, the clerk at the small store that carries most of the hard to find ingredients he craves, asks curiously. He likes the store because she can easily read his signing, which means he doesn’t have to drag Itachi along to translate.

 *No.* Kowashi flushes slightly in embarrassment. *M-o-t-o hunt was declared. Was told this is one of areas to avoid until hunt over, but ran out and thought risk small enough.*

“Oh dear. I didn’t even _think_ about that. I suppose that explains why several of our regular customers have been away and we’ve had a few new ones. Don’t worry, Kowashi. You aren’t my type, and my cousin Tetsu likes girls, not men. Specifically he likes super shy ones. No doubt he’ll pounce on some fainting flower of a paperwork ninja.”

Kowashi blinks. Then blinks again. *You are a M-o-t-o?*

Kiyo laughs. “Yes, sorry. I’m actually Sukekiyo Moto, the one who declared hunt. Kiyo is just a nickname. I legally have to declare hunt when I start looking, because I’m a Moto, but I’m not unprofessional enough to leap on customers during working hours. You can let your ninja friends know that. If I’m interested in someone, I’m polite enough to actually _ask_ if they’re interested in getting involved with a Moto _before_ settling on them. Besides…” She grins wickedly at him. “My options aren’t limited to _Konoha_ ninjas, you know. There’s this little waiver sign posted at the sign in desk at the village gates. Any ninja who doesn’t have a legal exemption is fair game if they’re in Konoha, under hunt laws. Genko-o, one of my cousins caught a Kiri nin a few years back.”

He blinks a few more times, then smiles sheepishly. *I did not know. Does that mean you could go on clans’ grounds to look?*

“Ahh, not exactly. Only if I got permission from the Clan head first and an invitation. It’s pretty rare that we do that, though. Our clan would be a lot less welcome in Konoha if ninjas started having reason to fear us on that level, you know?”

 *That makes sense.* He agrees, shifting angles to get a better look at the sugars they carry. Sugar is expensive and hard to store in large quantities in a place as humid as Fire Country. Generally he just purchases small jars of it so it doesn’t end up turning into goop or unusable sticky chunks.

“How adorable! I didn’t see him before, but you got a pet cat?”

 _What? Oh._ He belatedly recalls that Ellie is pretend-napping on his shoulder.

Ellie yawns, showing off her sharp teeth. “I. Am. Not. A pet. The name is Ellie.”

Kiyo squeaks. “Sorry! I didn’t think ninneko were summons?”

“We’re not. But we’re on good terms with the Uchiha clan, and the Clan heir made a request, so we considered it. I am satisfied with my choice. Kowashi does have squirrel summons, too, but you’re unlikely to have to deal with them.”

“Squirrels? Really? I-”

Kowashi decides to tune out the rest of their conversation, going back to looking at types of sugar. Sugar isn’t the only thing he’s here for, but one thing at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No squirrels were fed to possums in the making of this fic. Also, opossums don’t eat squirrels to my knowledge. It’s a random gap in Kowashi’s knowledge base(s). Yes, squirrels can and are eaten by humans on occasion. You probably already knew this.
> 
> An Uchiwa _(what the Uchiha clan name and symbol are based on)_ is specifically a small fan used to fan fires, if I recall correctly.
> 
> Ellie the nincat- _(Description based on Highland_tiger's cat Ellie.)_ White with a black tail and black splodges down her back, bright peridot green eyes. Her tail has a kink near the end where it was broken once. Tiny, cute, easy to overlook as a threat. Very territorial and adventurous. She proudly wears any scabs and scars gained from her fights. Calls Kowashi ‘lad’ or ‘laddie’ when putting on a grandiose air to manipulate a situation.
> 
> Fujio the squirrel summons- Grey squirrel type. Easily distracted by meanings of words and gullible about certain interests. Actually quite intelligent and diligent in some ways. Has a habit of addressing people by characteristics or name meanings rather than the actual names unless patiently corrected. He is _not_ the only squirrel that Kowashi can summon with the contract.
> 
> Katsu Uchiha- Has finally been given the sign name of ‘stupid+father’ or ‘stupid+dad’. Mostly out of frustration on Kowashi’s part.
> 
> Sukekiyo ‘Kiyo’ Moto- OC Moto. Has declared hunt. Clerk at Kowashi’s favorite specialty store.
> 
> Tetsudou ‘Tetsu’ Moto- OC Moto. Has declared hunt. Has a real thing for meek, shy women.


End file.
